10 Worst Things About Oakland In The Summer

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

Once Pitt throws you from the soft embrace of on-campus housing, you become excited with the prospect of being in Oakland during the summer. With significantly less stress, you’ll be able to truly enjoy yourself! You’ll have plenty of free time to fill your days with all the pleasurable activities you desire, without a care in the world. That is, until reality sets in.

10.) Your House Doesn’t Have AC:
As the temperatures rise your room radiates with ungodly heat. You don’t understand how your house can be hotter than the outside air, but somehow you have summoned a portal to Hell right next to your bed. There are no summer flings for you, because the thought of another human’s body heat makes you physically sick. Good luck with your window AC unit, because your electric bill will go up by just as much as your will to live has gone down.

9.) You Have To… Work:

You imagined a wonderland
of fun in the sun, and uninterrupted Netflix binges. Now, you’re just
bored. Your parents keep asking you what you’re doing with your time off and quite frankly you’re embarrassed to tell them. You actually need to take on responsibilities, like working to bring home a paycheck. Then you’ll actually be able to pay your roommate back for all that overdue rent.

8.) It’s a Literal Ghost Town:
It seems like you may be the only one left. You can even find a parking spot right outside of your apartment. You wander the streets of South O aimlessly looking for someone else, another person, but it’s like you’re in some post-apocalyptic movie. You feel like maybe you need to be running from zombies. You can’t even find anyone day drinking at Mad Mex. Oakland just isn’t Oakland without the swarms of people and the scattered pizza boxes on the street.

7.) You Have To Buy Food:
Yeah, maybe you had to buy food during the school year, but then you had your casual freshman flings to steal Market swipes from. Now you’re forced to scavenge the cupboards for a pack of ramen to eat during your hungover mornings, because God forbid you make the walk to IGA more than once a month.

6.) You’re Suddenly The Fat Kid:
You aren’t so out of place during the colder months. All those freshman gaining their 15-45 pounds due to the sheer greasiness of Market chicken patties and french fries let your slight flabbiness blend in well. No one had the time to go to the gym, but now it seems like suddenly every one of your friends that remained in Oakland has become the epitome of health, and you’re left looking fat, pale, and like you’ve spent one too many nights finishing a small fry from The O yourself. Cheese and gravy included, obviously.

5.) Cathy Has Lost Her Appeal:
She used to be your only refuge, a place where you could pretend your O Chem homework was your Potions homework. You could distract yourself with therapy dogs when you put off studying for your upcoming exam. Now, she’s just another building on campus. You walk by without so much as the blink of an eye or a filtered Instagram photo.

4.) Your Alcohol Supply Dries Up:
Unless you’ve reached the sweet age of 21, you’re shit out of luck. Maybe you can find an upperclassmen willing to face charges buying you cheap beer from Mellinger’s, but if you’re looking for a party, you’ll be able to find exactly zero. You’ll be stuck begging for vodka on the street corner like any one of the hobos that litter Forbes Avenue.

3.) The Sports Have Stopped:
While you could care less about the actual football and basketball team, you really care about the aesthetic. Tailgates and the Oakland Zoo gave you at least some sense of meaning and school pride outside of the useless degree you’re pursuing.

2.) Actually, Nothing Is Happening:
We’re just being honest here. This article is even hard to write because there is so little going on.  You should have just gone back home.

1.) Seriously, There’s Nothing To Do:
Take it from us. Look out your window, head to Hems, desperately search online, but we’re trying to be honest here. There’s nothing happening. You’re the only person in Oakland who isn’t taking summer classes or working your ass off. You’ll spend the next month desperately trying to find something to fill your time, maybe even writing unpaid articles online.