4 Gems Pitt Freshmen Will Never Know

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

As time goes on, there will always be people there to say that things were better back in the old days. Or maybe that kids nowadays have it easier than they used to. Kind of weird how old people manage to say both of those things, right? Well, at a certain point you find yourself becoming that old person, telling drunken freshmen to get out of your yard, wondering where these kids went wrong. But there are some things that the Pitt freshmen nowadays will never know, and they’re depending on us to learn about them.

4.) Microscopic winter breaks:
So for those who don’t know, Pitt semi-recently announced that they’re adding 5 whole days onto our winter break. Three whole weeks! Never mind that 2 weeks isn’t a real winter break, when most colleges go back to school after the Gregorian AND Chinese New Year. Oh, you freshmen didn’t know? Yeah, Pitt’s winter break used to take as long as your terrible professor grading your first paper. Fortunately, Pitt “listened to what we wanted” (not sure who told them to shorten winter breaks to two weeks in the first place), so freshmen, you guys can enjoy a nice, lengthy, 3 week vacation every winter that’s still 2 weeks shorter than most of your high school friends’.

3.) How terrible QuickZone used to be:
It looks like the first two things on our list have to do with jealous upperclassmen thoughts about how lucky the new freshmen are. For anyone who has lived on upper campus housing the last few years, do you remember QuickZone? Market-to-Go’s little brother who liked to pretend he was just as good? But everybody knew the real overpriced  Pitt convenience store was down the hill under Towers. No more. QuickZone beefed up over the summer like a kid with an inferiority complex and access to anabolic steroids. Now freshmen have TWO places to waste their dining dollars when they inevitably find out they have way too many at the end of the semester.  At least until the new Oakland Bakery gets built (Rest in Peace 7/11).

2.) Dry Cathy:
Do any of us remember the way Cathy used to be, before she nearly drowned in a sea of plumbing incompetence and maybe sewage water? Maybe the freshmen won’t notice the subtle changes, the slight discoloration, the musty air. But we the upperclassmen will know. Or we’ll pretend to know because that’s what old people do.

1.) Half-decent Pitt basketball:
Nobody is going to pretend that Pitt was a powerhouse team at any point over the last 4 years or so. But there’s no denying that Pitt basketball games used to be fun. Before the false prophet known as Kevin Stallings was here, we had a better dressed, more competent, less bald coach named Jamie Dixon, and boy was he something. Students in the Zoo used to be raucous and crazy, like wild animals. Now, students show up and are complacent, quiet, lethargic, like animals in a… zoo? Wait…

There you have it, freshmen. There are some things from our Pitt past you’ll just never understand. Life back then was simple and easy, but now you spoiled freshmen just have it so easy. Wait….

Like booze before noon? You’ll love our podcast!