6 Unconventional Ways to Fight the Pitt Plague this Winter

author-pic at University of Pittsburgh  

Yeah there’s NyQuill and DayQuill and CocaineQuill and ZzzzQuill and BeerQuill. But you know those jerks who are always like “ya duuude, alt medicine is where its at, anything can be cured naturally, they just don’t want you to know maaan.” They’re actually just trying to find friends to smoke the reefer with, but they are actually right sometimes. So we locked one of our freshman writers in a room with some hobo who had a cold, he caught the cold, then we tried these remedies on him.

6.) Spray It With Windex:
I
t works for almost anything, that weird wart on your toe? Just spray it. You got some weird ooze coming out of a hole or something? Just shove the nozzle in there and spray. It can even get rid of hobos as we found when we sprayed our writer with it. It only eliminated some acne though for our writer who remained sick, so we moved on.

5.) Stand Near A Microwave:
This actually works for clearing sinuses because the microwaves resonate enough with your sinuses to cause complete expulsion of all snot. Ok, that doesn’t happen with everyone. But we heard a guy who knows a guy who knows Chaz the Fifth t-shirt vendor who knows the ghost of Cathy who once talked to a student that used this.

4.) The Special Sauce:
We got this stuff from a professor who says it is in late stages of manufacturing. It smells a lot like chlorofor–…

3.) Eat A LOT of Nerds:
You ever eaten more than one of those tiny Halloween boxes of nerds? No, you haven’t. Did you know you can get vaccinated by eating nerds? This was the most tolerated therapy in our test subject as he was covered in Windex, had just came to and the microwave was still running next to him and he was getting a little irate.

2.) Take The Cathy Elevator To The Top Floor:
Your ears will pop and you’ll feel all weird and lightheaded if the elevator doesn’t stop. Plus the Cathedral elevator system is actually a teleporter or some mastermind machine or something, so maybe it can offer you advice. Ever since they installed it voices are always heard in the shafts.

1.) Get Really Drunk:
This is a fir sure cure. We had to reward our test subject as well, plus this seemed to completely cure him. He became well enough to start punching us and to break free and run as fast as he could away. Alcohol truly does make you forget your problems.

Note: We do not take any responsibility for people not knowing this is a list of dumb ideas. If you microwave yourself sterile, chloroform yourself, get caught drunk in Cathy, or die of ammonia poisoning, you must not have any common sense. Have a nice day!

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