A List of 32 Sh***y Things At Purdue That Would Still Be Better Than Being A Kansas Fan
As if Purdue wasn’t stressful enough academically, it’s starting to stress everyone out athletically as well – our basketball team’s narrow victory over Iowa State last week brought us one step closer to the championship game in this year’s March Madness Tournament. Tomorrow, we play Kansas, one of the most dynamic teams left in the running. We’re confident in our Boilermakers, but regardless of whether or not they bring home the W, we’ll still be proud to wear Black and Gold – and it’ll still suck to be Kansas. Below is a list of things that still less shitty than being a Kansas fan.
32.) Listening to Purdue Pete sensually whisper, “Boiler Up, buttercup” in your ear, repeatedly, over the course of a 55-minute math exam.
31.) Finding your bike tire wrapped around the highest tree limb on campus.
30.) Discovering that next semester’s schedule is packed with 5 7:30 classes – plus a lab on Saturday.
29.) Getting run over by the Boilermaker Express, driven by the ex who cheated on you last Valentine’s Day.
28.) Letting Isaac Haas dribble a ball on your face for 35 consecutive minutes.
27.) Better yet — letting Isaac Haas dribble your balls for 35 consecutive minutes .
26.) Having to pay extra for guacamole at Chipotle.
25.) Working at literally any of the dining courts.
24.) Walking from the Acres to Triple XXX in a blizzard, naked.
23.) Getting shot in the face close-range with a t-shirt gun.
22.) Being deathly allergic to Windsor cinnamon rolls.
21.) Paying the delivery fee for Hungry Boiler.
20.) Selling a kidney to pay for textbooks this semester.
19.) Debating which organ to sell for next semester.
18.) Getting caught in Hilltop selling mids to some dumbass freshman.
17.) Being that dumbass freshman.
16.) Falling off the top of the CoRec rock wall.
15.) Discovering a freshly steamed turd in an Earhart shower.
14.) Trying to find somewhere to park on campus that isn’t in the middle of bumfuck nowhere.
13.) Standing under the Math Building during a tornado.
10.) Braving the line at McDonald’s at 3a.m. on a Saturday – only to find out at the cash register that the “ice cream machines are down.” Again.
9.) Being a GDI.
8.) Discovering the ego of a Purdue Honors Student.
7.) Discovering the ego of a parent of that Purdue Honors Student.
6.) Finding out a Purdue math class has no curve.
5.) Getting called out by Crazy Bearded Dude near Class of ’50.
4.) Walking under the Bell Tower.
3.) Taking Physics 172.
2.) Getting a midday hangover after a successful Breakfast Club.
So, tune in tomorrow night at 9:39p.m. to watch our Boilermakers kick some ass in the Sweet 16 for the first time in 7 years – and, of course, to watch Kansas suck. Boiler up, hammer down.
Done reading? Time to listen to our podcast: Booze Before Noon!