10 Commencement Speakers Rutgers Can Actually Afford

author-pic at Rutgers University  

Rutgers has really dished on speakers. In the past years, we’ve had two incredible American heroes: former President Barack Obama and Bill Nye the Science Guy. The school even had the wisdom to drop $32,000 dollars on Snooki before her speedy spiral from D-list fame to absolutely nothing. Commencement is coming up and speakers aren’t cheap. We decided to provide the school with some affordable options to make up for all the incredible speakers Rutgers has spent their hard-earned dollars on in the past.

10.) The Valedictorian:

This person has really given their all to Rutgers and they’ve probably already practiced talking about their 4.0 to their mom, a Starbucks barista, and their dog countless times. So they’ll be very well prepared with a lot of content about their struggle.

9.) A Staff Writer From The Black Sheep: 

This person will actually work for free. Not only will Rutgers save money, but they’ll probably provide a fun Rutgers-friendly speech (6 Ways To Become Commencement Speaker) that our school can afford. Plus, they’ll definitely hand out free shots beforehand.

8.) The Omelette Lady at the Dining Hall:

The Omelette lady provided the fuel to your freshman year. Don’t underestimate her ability to help you end your college career on a high note. Without her, you probably would’ve failed Expos on your second try too. Besides, have you ever talked to her besides to request three eggs? Like, really talked to her. She’s actually very interesting.

7.) Chuck E. Cheese:

Chuck Entertainment Cheese was practically born for this moment. His whole life, he’s been entertaining kids at his funky pizza bar, dancing, and overall giving us his all. For 30 tokens (10 US dollars) Chuck E. will sing, dance, and repeat a select few phrases before doing it all over again until his batteries die.

6.) The Scarlet Knight:

The Scarlet Knight has never spoken, but is an expert at boosting student morale at 72-0 football games. Commencement will be no different.

5.) Stan the LX Bus Driver:

Stan loved to talk and was known to frequently inspire students to tears. He was unfortunately fired from Rutgers, but now is a perfect opportunity to bring him back to remind students that “they are the future.”

4.) A Student Who Got an A in Public Speaking:

Or John White who got an F and really needs the extra credit. Either way, they’ve been gaining information about how to give a good speech all semester, so time to shine, John. If you get nervous, imagine everyone dressed as Joey from FRIENDS when he puts on six sweaters.

3.) Siri:

First, plug Bob Barchi’s phone into a dock and put it on the podium to charge ‘cause all of our iPhones die at 12 percent and we can’t ruin Commencement like that. Second, yell “Hey, Siri” and let her go on a roll. Try asking “what should I do after I graduate” for starters; chances are a couple people are a little confused about that anyway.

2.) Imagination:

This is tied with hiring a writer from The Black Sheep for the cheapest option. For this Commencement speaker, we exercise the part of the brain that we rarely used in our core requirements. Imagine whoever you want: Barack Obama again, Ellen DeGeneres, or Guy Fieri eating a taco. 

1.) The Ghost of Colonel Henry Rutgers: 

End your Rutgers legacy with the guy who started it all. Note that if hired, there’s no guarantee that the Colonel Henry will appear. There is, however, a plan. On the podium will be a Ouija board. Rutgers’ finest and most clairvoyant graduates will be called to place their fingers on the board. Everyone will focus on the image of Henry Rutgers. Then, Henry will deliver his speech.

Any of these would be a fun and affordable addition to Rutgers’ renowned list of Commencement speakers without breaking the bank. And RU would save the $35,000 they’re paying Steven Van Zandt to speak this year. So take your pick and start the petition now—only 47 days until graduation.