5 Fictional USC Presidents to Celebrate this President’s Day

author-pic at University of South Carolina  

 

Presidents’ Day. It’s something we could be celebrating from the comfort of our beds at home, except the University Registrar apparently hates patriotism and has elected (Haha!) to have class. We’re all very distressed about it, so in honor of this apparently imaginary Federal holiday, here are 5 imaginary University of South Carolina Presidents:

 

5.) Norman MacDowell (1901-1901):
MacDowell is famed for his near sixteen-minute term in office following the premature declaration of death of actual University of South Carolina President James Woodrow. Woodrow, famous for taking notoriously short naps that erroneously presented as human death, woke with a start to find MacDowell standing over his body, “whooping with great joy that [Woodrow] had finally passed, his continuous screeching from night terrors during the entire affair notwithstanding” (The Diary of Felie Woodrow, Vol 3.).

4.) Harris Pastides (2008-2198):
Harris Pastides served as University president from 2008 until his death (as foreseen by British journalist and television personality Piers Morgan during a late-night rerun episode of Full House) in 2198. Scientists have still not discovered Pastides secret to seemingly unending life (as it was later discovered that Pastides had successfully faked his death and been living as a Plutonian squash farmer for six decades) but efforts have been made to establish contact with this withdrawn purveyor of space Cucurbita.

 

3.) Captain John T. Flanagan (1821-1824):
Who can forget the rich history of the University of South Carolina’s occupation by river pirates during the Great Pirate Wars? Captain Flanagan was famously criticized for instigating several violent attacks on the invading pirate forces, though later was lauded for providing peg-leg accessible ramps to the students handicapped during his tenure as USC President. Flanagan retired in 1824 after several concerned parents forced him to walk the plank in recompense for rising tuition prices, most of which were allotted to Flanagan’s extensive collection of feathered hats.

2.) Sloan Patterson (1802-1808):
President Patterson was notorious for spending the vast majority of her presidency in disguise as a man. Patterson was later acquitted on charges of cross-dressing after it was discovered that most of her colleagues were perfectly aware that there was no such person as “President Ben Dover”. Because Patterson was quite effective at budgeting and finance, and no one in office wished to take up the task in her place, her office staff spent much of their time in admiration of Patterson’s wide array of false facial hair.

 

1.) David Byrne (1983):
Notoriously, founding member and lead singer of the band Talking Heads, David Byrne, served as university president for thirty days during the mid 1980s. Byrne was forced to resign after it was found that university-sanctioned events clashed with the production schedule for the Talking Head’s fifth studio album, Speaking in Tongues. Still, we can rest easy knowing that Byrne’s Neurosociety exhibit never made it into the McKissick museum, and that none of us will be confronted with the harsh reality of, “seeing moving objects freeze, predict real elections, and face moral dilemmas”. Whatever that means.

How do you feel about the trash dove?