Male Counterparts in Local Student’s Life Responsible for Her Solving the Global Warming Crisis
BREAKING—At approximately 10 a.m. this morning, a local college student made a breakthrough discovery: junior Katrina Fisher solved the global warming crisis. After years of studying and researching, Katrina has achieved what she has been striving to accomplish since she was 7 years old.
“I can’t believe it,” Katrina said. “I’ve worked so hard for this, and after years and years of researching and those endless nights in the lab, it’s amazing to actually put my name next to something I’ve given everything to.”
Katrina couldn’t have done it alone, though. There were numerous men that helped her get to this groundbreaking discovery, including her Environmental Science professor, Dave Mackey.
“Oh she’s a bright kid, for sure,” Dave explained as he struggled to refill his stapler. “But I remember one time, she asked me how much global warming would decrease if we stopped using fossil fuels altogether, and I told her ‘A lot.’ I just knew in that moment that that answer was the next stepping stone she needed to eventually solve the crisis entirely.”
We spoke with Katrina to learn more about her solution to end global warming along with her boyfriend, Steve Ryan.
“Katrina’s the best,” Steve stated. “She’s so smart, I knew she could do it. And I was there for my girl every step of the way,” Steve said as he threw his arm around Katrina.
“Thanks hun,” said Katrina. “Now in regards to my solution, it all came to me one night when I was in the—”
“When we went out for our anniversary yeah, yeah,” Steve recalled. “I remember we were talking about global warming, and she was saying how the atmosphere is trapping up all that heat, so I said ‘What if we just got rid of the atmosphere?’” Steve leaned back in his chair. “That’s when the wheels really got rolling.”
“What? No, I was in the lab, and I realized that despite all the oxygen plants send back into the atmosphere, there—“
“OH YEAH the plants!” Steve exclaimed. “We gotta stop putting blankets down on all the plants, it’s just warming the earth up! So instead of laying down blankets for fireworks and baseball games—“
“—just burn ‘em up.”
“WHAT?! No! If anything, that’s gonna make it worse! I’ve done the time and the research, Steve, I know what I’m talking about. Now if you could just let me explain—”
Unfortunately, we were unable to get any more information regarding the global warming solution at this time, as a dispute on who was responsible for this miraculous breakthrough ensued. Regardless, this discovery will change the course of our history forever.