7 Easy Ways To Get The IV Police Off Your Case

author-pic at UC Santa Barbara  

The new school year is well underway, and with it comes the shenanigans that each and every resident of IV has become accustomed to. The only problem with these shenanigans is that they can tend to attract the undesired attention of the Isla Vista police. As a result, learning how to deal with ISIS, ahem, we mean the IV police, has become an integral part of every Gaucho’s education. Here are some useful tips for getting the police to leave you alone:

7.) Tell Them That You Know a Guy:
When the police come knocking on your door at 1 a.m. on a Saturday because they witnessed “projectile eggs originating from your backyard,” a tried and true method for getting them to bugger off is to tell them that you know a guy. They will feel intimidated and potentially leave you alone in the future.

6.) Fortify All Entrances to Your House with Barbed Wire:
Think about it like this, would you try to get into a house that was thoroughly coated in prickly metal? Neither would a cop.

5.) Designate Your Home a “Safe Space”:
Cops can’t go there.

4.) Shout “No!” Repeatedly, Cry, and Throw a Chair:
There’s nothing like a classic temper tantrum to guilt the cops into leaving your house regardless of how many laws you’ve broken in the last hour.

3.) Wear a Sheriff’s Badge:
The sheriff can’t get arrested, so if you wear his badge neither can you.

2.) Threateningly Wave a Whiffle Ball Bat in Their Direction:
This will let the cops know that you mean business, while preserving a somewhat playful vibe.

1.) Tell Them Your Parents Indirectly Pay Their Salaries:
By telling a police officer that your parents indirectly pay his salary by paying taxes, you will make a grateful friend for life.

If going to prison is your idea of having a good time, disregard the above article.