6 Lies UCLA Tour Guides Tell on Their Tours

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Did you take a tour before coming to UCLA? Well even if you didn’t, you still had to suffer through the one they forced you to go on during orientation. Remember that one? Where they tell you all the “fun” lies about UCLA? Well guess what, those weren’t the only lies. In fact, we have six different lies that UCLA Tour Guides tell on their everyday tours…

6.) The school’s not that big!:

Sure, sure, just under 45,000 students is the perfect size for a world-renowned academic and athletic (let us not forget those 134 national championships) institution. Divided by the school’s 419 acres, fuck it let’s just say 420 (aye blaze it), and you could put 107 students on each one. This is, of course, ignoring the many outlets UCLA has all over town in Santa Monica, DTLA, or Pasadena on Saturdays in the Fall. And then let’s say the hills and stairs that you have to walk up no matter which direction you go add about 100 acres.

5.) You’ll have really close relationships with professors and TAs!:

Every tour guide stresses the close-knit academic community on campus. This forgets, of course, the fact that even when one goes to office hours and emails professors, no such relationships form. “Oh, but wait till you get to upper divs! Then you’ll go over to the professors’ homes for dinner at the end of the term!” Ha, this isn’t Bowdoin or Notre Dame, pal.

4.) You’re 10 minutes from the beach if you ever want a break:

Uh…nope. Unless you’re flying down the 405 and the 10 at midnight on a Tuesday, Santa Monica, or Malibu/the OC are pretty far, especially with the constant traffic and construction. Sure, go the environmental friendly route and take the bus. We’ll talk to you in a week after your 20 different stops and transfers. That being said, the weather is unbeatable, so, there’s that. And with a sea breeze every once in awhile, the walk up Bruin Walk is pretty pleasant.

3.) We have the best food in the country on The Hill…We recently beat out a culinary school!:

Yeah, I’M the one who lied on this one. Food’s fucking dope. Sidebar, when BPlate has the brown rice, chicken, and avocado bowls, it makes my day. It’s the little things man.

2.) There’s always a spot to work out and stay fit:

Sure, the Wooden Center and BFit are fantastic gyms that offer various amenities, but those same positives attract mobs of fellow students. This is fine, if one wants to wake up at 4 a.m. to get a few decent reps in, but for the marginally motivated (whatup, whatup), there’s not much to be done…Plus, there’s that whole rule about not wearing shirts or sports bras.

1.) The quarter system is unparalleled and has no faults!:

As with most things, there are pros and cons to the quarter system. It takes some getting used to, especially since most schools get out much earlier and have different break schedules. But when you’re already used to always playing catch-up, then what is so bad about the quarter system? The semester system really seems like one longer and bigger game of catch-up. Bright side, there’s only one fucking management midterm left, so that’s a blessing. Thanks Ravetch.