6 Ways to Convince Your Parents You’re Not a Total Piece of Shit When They Come to Visit

author-pic at University of Massachusetts  

With Homecoming this next weekend, you may be getting a surprise call from your parents telling you they’re pulling up to your dorm in five minutes. As soon as you get rid of all your empty handles and kick the half-naked frat pledge out of your apartment, you’ll need to figure out what you can do with your parents while they’re here that won’t result in them fainting, calling the police, or refusing to continue paying your loans. Here’s a quick list of potential places and ways to distract your parental units.

6.) Take then to the campus store:
Nothing like a gift shop/school store of any kind to burn at least an hour with your parents. It’s like as soon as you cross the 40 year-old threshold, there’s nothing like branded cozies and polo shirts. If all else fails, you can always convince your dad to pick up another ‘UMass Dad’ hat. Those don’t get old.

5.) Let them meet your good friend Andy Peters (Didgeridude):
Eventually your actual life will slip through the cracks of the lie you live with your parents. This is when thinking on your feet is key. As soon as the Didgeridude comes through trying to get the party started, you need to introduce him to your parents as formally as possible to set the tone. His name is Andy Peters, and he’s a musician. Your parents will love the fact you have such a diverse, creative, and mustachioed friends.

4.) Show them the Honors College:
Tell your parents to meet you here. Walk them down the golden pathways of knowledge and pretentiousness that is the CHC. In order to really impress your parents and blend in, you’re going to have to do your very best Honors College student impression: be super argumentative and use unnecessarily big words in everyday conversation. If done right, one jaunt through the Honors College will have your parents forgetting your C- semesters and will suddenly be willing to pay for your Masters.

3.) Make them hang out with your friend’s parents:
This is probably the easiest, lowest maintenance way of keeping your parents occupied while they visit. It’s like when you bring your dog to the dog park and take it off its leash to let it play with all the other people’s dogs; nothing makes them happier. Just bring them to Blue Wall and let them waddle around in amazement. Your friend will thank you, and you’ll thank yourself.

2.) Take them to the football game:
Parents love seeing the gridiron while they’re on campus. Welcome to the 2017 Toilet Bowl, Mom and Dad. After a closely-contested matchup against the bye week, UMass is looking to get back out there against an equally yuck team, Georgia Southern. Whoever wins this game will get their first win of the season, which obviously means that it will somehow end in a tie. Your parents will live for it.

1.) Take them anywhere but the dining hall, please god anywhere but the dining hall:
Rush hour traffic, trips to the DMV, and parents rushing Berk during Homecoming. There’s simply nothing more devastating than waiting in crazy, Frank Grab n’ Go-level lines behind confused parents learning what a sushi roll is. If all else fails, force your parents to take you to Judie’s. Spare the rest of us. Please.

It’s hard to deal with your parents when they visit but this list will definitely help you out, and keep your parents under wraps.

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