Lil Dicky’s Spring Concert Performance Boosts Confidence in Insecure Amherst Males
Rapper Lil Dicky made a significant impact on many male attendees at UPC’s spring concert last night.
“To see him up there, confident with his baby dick really made me feel like I could do anything,” said senior Tyler Tiny-Schwanz. “When he sang the national anthem, I was like, ya, you’re right, 21.4% of American women agree that penis size is ‘not important.’ So what if I have a micro-penis?”
Lil Dicky is known for his comedic lyrics and eccentric music videos, but UMass fans learned firsthand that he is a testament to overcoming life’s biggest, or smallest, obstacles.
Freshman Johnny Bones felt touched. “I’ve stayed in my room every weekend of my college career because I’m so insecure about my penis size. But Lil Dicky is out in the world publicly embracing his baby dick and people love him—cheer for him, want him. I was so close to buying some of Ron Jeremy’s secret supplements, but this concert really made me feel secure in my manhood.”
Bones added: “Now I can finally pee in the urinals in Marston, Bartlett, and Worcester—no divider, no problem!”
Berk Late Night after the concert saw a significant increase in hyper-masculinity; line cutting was at a record high, and the burger station was emptied. Dining hall staff also noted that there was a surplus of bananas. Allegedly, prior to Lil Dicky’s visit to campus, men would take “much more than they would need for consumption.”
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