Subbaswamy to Build Wall Around Townehouses To Keep Out “Undesirables”

author-pic at University of Massachusetts  

While students were spending their spring breaks on the beach, face down with Natural Ice and puke on their sleeveless shirts, Chancellor Subbaswamy was working tirelessly to build up a defense system to keep dangerous crowds from ever gracing the Townhouses’ backyard.

The reason why the wall was built was not made completely clear, but there have been alleged ties to Subbaswamy wanting to keep out any derelicts. The area has had issues in the past with overpopulation and subsequent safety concerns.

In a statement from the Chancellor himself, he outlined some of the regulations. “The wall will be a giant success. Everyone will love it. It will be great. No students from Southwest will be allowed past. They are dangerous, and their antics will not be allowed anymore. We’ll make the Townhouses great again!”

The response to these regulations were not well received, and people are revolting about the wall’s presence. Several marches and protests have already commenced all over campus and no one seems to be satisfied with the construction. Southwest students have voiced concern over being alienated as the sole source of the issue, and in order to provide them with a safe space Theta Chi has made their frat a sanctuary on Saturday afternoons.

JQA resident Todd Kappa Epsilon provided some deep insight into his feelings about not being able to darty: “This is so fucking stupid. Subbaswamy really messed up this one. He raised tuition for this! My parents paid for me to come to the zoo, not some fucking butterfly exhibit. I’m gonna shotgun so many brews with the boys in disgust.”

This situation is just another twist on what has become the deconstruction of the campus’ party atmosphere, and people all around are scrambling to think of “fun stuff  without booze.” UMass students are slowly watching their drinking events dwindle down and it’s advancing to a dire position. 

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