The Official Drunk Review of All Things UNC Charlotte

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Welcome to Niner country fellow pickaxe wielders. The Niner pride filled members of The Black Sheep wanted to share our hot take on all things UNC Charlotte, and we enlisted our good friends Tito’s and Jack Daniels to help get the creative juices flowing (creative juice is what we call it when you mix both of those drinks).

6.) The Mascot:
For some reason this university’s mascot is a deranged, bearded prospector and his name is Norman, goddammit. Literally the least intimidating thing possible. Hell, there’s 15 Norman’s we know who would be way more intimidating, and at least three of them are the Green Goblin. We already have green as a color, so why can’t James Franco on a hoverboard be our mascot instead?

Ranking against Willem Dafoe: 2/7 Goblins

5.) The Wildlife:
Geese have plagued this campus from the dawn of time and nobody knows why. Some say we took the Witch Goose’s egg and it’s put a curse on this campus ever since. Either way, if one comes at us ,we’re gonna wring its neck like we’re competing for the next spot on Duck Dynasty. Holla at us, nesting season.

Duck Dynasty IMDB Rating: 6.3/10

4.) The Sports:
We seem pretty decent at baseball, and nothing’s better to be good at than a dying American pastime. Football is our real chief sport, damn ,did we do well this year. Only one guy was arrested!

Chance that the football team will employee a convict next year: IT’S THE 3RRRRRRDDDDD TIME NINER NATION

3.) Campus Buildings:
You’ve got good old fashioned brick and mortar here at UNCC, and asbestos seeping out of the roofs. If the geese don’t get you on your way to class, the cancer will 30 years from now.

Dorms are home to more sexual assaults than Kevin Olsen’s Dodge Challenger.

Likelihood of a Tinder match that isn’t going to stab you when you try to leave: *pocket knife enters left lung*

2.) Social Scene:
*Wind blowing as a tumbleweed goes by*

*Neck bearded man wheezes past you with a nerf gun to go play war*

*Parking lot emptiness intensifies*

*Sitting alone in the union at maximum overdrive*

Statistical Odds that you’ll see another person on the weekend: forever alone

1.) Area Around Campus:
Mathematically speaking, you’re more likely to get hit by a stray bullet than graduate. If the cancer from Denny doesn’t get you, the homeless guy with his dick in one hand and a comb shank in the other will.

Chance that they’ll rename the apartment complex you were shot at: Boulevard 98

Niner Nation now has a new nihilist list (we ran out of words that start with ‘n’ to keep this tongue twister going) that all of the new (SIKE) students can read before they come. Now we’re gonna purge our bodies of creative juice and start again tomorrow. God, we love the creative process.

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