Collective Sighs at VCU to Help Curb Deadly CO2 Omissions

author-pic at Virginia Commonwealth University  

Richmond, VA— Early Wednesday morning in a stinky, sweaty press conference that for some reason reeked of bitter and sexually repressed semen, it was revealed by a swath of VCU Environmental Engineer candidates that the deep collective sighs that are often taken by students anxiously awaiting the fresh hell a semester at VCU inevitably brings is, in fact, having a positive impact on climate change.

At the beginning of each new semester at VCU, students, all 30 something thousand of them, are known to take long, laborious sighs from their Mescaline filled lungs in anticipatory preparation. These sighs are often taken by students simultaneously as if God had suddenly took the dying breath from any one person on earth, and transported it to a bunch of 19 year olds who routinely narrowly dodge walking into traffic while staring swiping left on Tinder. Medical-science-jargony-doctor sounding persons have recently discovered that these breathy sighs from VCU students have actually been releasing special VCU liberal fairy dust magic into the Ozone layer of the earth’s stratosphere that has helped curb the omission of harmful CO2’s in the earth’s atmosphere.

Some have said the sighs of students on campus has a harmonious and sanctimonious sound to it–much like a D.R.A.M song–that has been thought to alleviate tension during the stress of an exam or the impending world apocalypse. Thus, it is no surprise that the thousands of people breathing in and out through their noses has a positive effect on the overall wellbeing of the leftist-liberal ecological environment.

Morgan Kennedy, a senior at VCU, had some pretty enthusiastic words for the process of moving air in and out of your lungs, “Hear I was thinking that my spring semester at VCU was going to start out shitty, stressed out, and just plain full of oppression. But now here I am, just like Susan B. Anthony, saving the fucking environment!”

It’s not known yet what reaction the environment will have when students stop breathing sighs of anxiety about the upcoming semester—probably a horrific reaction that will cause the ozone layer to combust like a squished-up tomato. But when that does happen, VCU STUDENTS TAKE NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE NEGATIVE CONSEQUENCES. We just here to claim the good.