The Top 10 Illini Black Market Items

 

Looking to make some extra cash on campus or hoard a priceless Illinois heirloom? Well you’re in luck! These top 10 Illini items just hit the black market and they’re going for the big bucks.

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Food Reviewz: The IKE

 

When my editor at The Black Sheep asked me to do a food review at the IKE, I immediately spit out my ramen noodles at my roommate and bolted for the building. I call myself a “foodie,” because that’s what Millennials call themselves when they eat food. The university dining hall's overly-enthusiastic student employee asked how I was doing as he swiped me in. I ignored his dumb question and walked right into the IKE on my mission to review the culinary creations of 19-year old student employees. It’s brunch time, bitches.

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BS Advice

 

After many a disgruntled reader left unaided by Managing Editor Tex Mex’s often jaded and weirdly self-reflective “Letter to the Editor” column, a veteran writer has risen up to the task of addressing your mopey selves and melodramatic problems. Here’s a few that were stuck in the mail when Tex Mex yelped a resounding, “Fuck it.”

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Guy in Full Camo Not Blending In At Party As Well As HopedGuy in Full Camo Not Blending In At Party As Well As Hoped

 

CHAMPAIGN – Senior student Jake Adams is not fitting in at this party as well as he had expected, wearing full camo.

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Couple's Resolutions Realized After One Month

 

While most of us have already forgotten our New Year's resolutions or have since declared our lives a “miserable failure not worthy of improvement,” local couple Denise Jackson and Carl Simmons claim to have already achieved their twin goals of becoming “totally shredded” in little more than a few weeks.

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How To: Seduce Your Professor (If You're a Guy)

 

Suppose you have a heterosexual male professor and you’re not above exchanging sexual favors for academic gain. That’s all well and good, but there’s one crucial problem: You’re a guy. You don’t have the goods to turn on a straight middle-aged man. And not only are you a guy – you’re a pasty, boring-looking guy who has trouble attracting girls your age, let alone older men. How can you hope to cheat the system? Well, never fear. The Black Sheep has tips on how you can score with your professor and get that sleazy A.

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