Top 10: Better Things to Do Than Watch the Illini Lose on Homecoming

 

For most Big Ten schools, Homecoming is a time to revel in school spirit. Unfortunately, we go to U of I so that’s not quite going to happen. We don’t even have a mascot, yet we’re expected to have school spirit? Mull that one over, Chancellor Wise.

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Allen Hall Student Had Ebola WEEKS Ago

 

“I initially just wanted a fever,” freshman Sam Peters said. “But Ebola? That’s even cooler!”

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Moped Dudes Create RSO

 

Yes, the crotch bottle rocket brigade created their own Moped RSO, with one simple goal: to become a force to reckon with frat stars, and of course, the ever-threatening Unicycle Club. 

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U of I Homecoming Dance Even More Awkward than High School's

 

“I guess we were just all under the impression that, with being in college now, dances would be a little… cooler?” retrospectively questioned freshman Tammy Lovitz. “It was exactly like how I remembered high school dances, except the number of cool kids who skipped the dance to drink multiplied from 10 to 10,000.”

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U of A: Epic Frat Bro Brawl

 

Saturday brought with it an epic testosterone bro-down this side of the Mississippi. Here it is, captured WITHOUT EDITING, for you to enjoy. 

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Student With A Lot of Questions Frightened He Keeps Noticing Professor's Bulge

 

Students in Craft’s Intro to Biology discussion section reportedly noticed Craft continuously glancing back-and-forth between what the professor was writing on the board and his crotch.

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