You thought you could hold it for the next 60 minutes while you took your midterm exam on your computer. Now you find yourself sweating profusely while trying to find the answer to question 3 in your eight-thousand page textbook; but worst of all, you’ve got a fudge-gopher coming up for air, in your pants. Webcourses doesn’t have a “Time-out please, my asshole is about to explode” button. So you’re left to make a decision; adapt and adjust if you want to survive. Here are some things you can do if you’re about to shit your pants during a midterm:
7.) The human centipede:
Not literally. No mouths involved in this one; just the basic concept of funneling shit in an unusual method. You’re going to start by getting a garden hose – any long, flexible tube will work. Now, this next part may be difficult or repulsive to some while enjoyable to others. Of course, we’re talking about shoving the garden hose up your ass. Obviously one end goes in your gas tunnel while the other goes to the nearest toilet – you could even funnel it to a garden for fertilizer, your choice. By doing this, you will be able to both shit and take your midterm, giving you ample time to cheat and succeed.
6.) Use it to your advantage:
Let’s play a game of “make the proctor too uncomfortable to watch the exam.” Get a bucket or a large bowl, sit on it, pants off, and take the exam. Then, you’ll want to angle the webcam so that the proctor can clearly see that you are taking care of business. This will both allow you move your bowels, take the midterm, and use the textbook on a closed-book test now that you don’t have to worry about those pesky proctors watching your every move. Also, don’t be afraid to make some painful facial expressions, you know, really get the message across that your giving birth to a chocolate sausage link, the more uncomfortable the better.
5.) Pretend to get kidnapped:
This might be crossing the line for some, but if you’re a ruthless bastard with some real gall, this just might work. Start by recruiting your roommates, friends, somebody – if you don’t have any friends and live alone, hire some local bums to participate. Tell them to dress like bandits (all black clothes, ski masks, that sort of thing) and come into your room, snag you out of your seat mid-exam and make it look like a scene out of Taken (with Liam Neeson, great actor). However, the only way this would work is if you anticipated having to shit beyond self-control thus leading you to hire the fake-kidnapping team; but we’ll ignore that detail. You could also change it up a bit and pretend to be abducted by aliens instead – for those with deep pockets.
4.) Stick a cork in it:
Literally. You’ve got a few lying around that your roommate keeps swearing she’ll use for some sort of craft. But she’s never going to do it so now’s their time to, well, not quite shine, but be used anyway.
3.) Just breathe:
If a monk can float by sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce then you can clasp your butthole shut for an hour. Just breathe, concentrate, and use the force. And don’t forget to fart, that might alleviate some of the anal stress; just don’t fart too much, we’ve all seen a harmless little toot transform into something more, how shall we put it… solid.
2.) Take it to go:
If these other options seem too extreme, you can always take the easy and logical route. If you own a laptop, don’t be shy to really take advantage of the device’s mobility. Take it to the shitter so that you can focus on your exam while not having to be distracted by your anus erupting like Pompeii.
1.) Fail your exam:
You’ve got to understand something, life is all about prioritizing. You’ve got to get your priorities straight. What’s more important to you: taking some stupid quiz or listening to your bodily needs? It’s all about what you’re willing to do; shit your pants for a grade, or shit in a toilet for what you believe in.
If none of these tips help you and you feel as though reading this has been a waste of your time, well, too late now. Just remember: to shit or not to shit? That is the question, one which only you can answer.
Oh hey, listen and subscribe to Talk of Shame: