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7 Things You’ll Experience at ’63 South

 

The name “‘63 South” sounds like a cheap 70’s Western that may or may not have actually been a dirty movie. It is, in fact, the name of one of the two UCF freshman chow halls. If you’re old, like 22, you’ll remember the freshman chow hall as “Marketplace,” a place that has been widely rumored to have been shut down due to health hazards. The same rumors report that ’63 South has failed to meet FDA regulations as well. Yet, this place is the central hub of freshman life. Here are 7 god-awful experiences you’ll have at ’63 South.

 

7.) The inept omelet maker:
After you told him what you wanted he stared at you blankly for several minutes then he makes your omelet with full eggs instead of just whites like you frickin’ asked. Then, he messes up your omelet three or four times, each time saying, rather poetically, “Hey, so, I fucked up the eggs, I’m just going to make you another one.” He finally gives up on his job and serves you a plate covered in omelet guts and raw eggs. Beautiful.

 

6.) The unidentified “Chef’s Plate”: 
You really don’t know what this stuff is. It looks like diarrhea, smells like chicken, and is labeled “beef-something-in-french”. But hey, why not, give it a shot, what’s the worst that could happen? It could be nothing. Or, you end up in the Breezeway bathroom in two hours praying that you’ll walk again after the dump you just took. Don’t try it, it’s not worth it. Just go for the grilled chicken that still has a pulse instead.

 

5.) The ice cream that never was:
Sure, the machine is there but don’t think that means there’s any ice cream. Maybe you were lucky and got some in the first few weeks of class when it worked. But those days are long gone. The sign on the machine that says, “Out of Order! We don’t know how to fix it!” has collected a film of dust in its quiet solitude.

 

4.) Eyeball in the soup:
Maybe you’ve seen it, maybe you’ve just eaten it like the oblivious fool that you are. Either way, it’s in there. Always.

 

 

3.) “Did you give me herpes?”:
An investigation better held elsewhere. But every now and then, it’s resolved in the company of several other eavesdropping freshman. The answer is usually, “No, did you?”

 

2.) The lost kid:
Not the kind of “lost” that is physically unaware of where one stands, but lost as in, “that kid’s fucking lost it.” His red and black eyes stare into oblivion as he picks at his dry cereal. Maybe he studied himself into insanity, maybe he just spent 6 days in the wilderness of the Arboretum mumbling indistinguishable engineering terms like he’s possessed. If you were to ask him how he’s doing, he’d respond, “the azimuthal quantum differential is the quotient of partial inequities,” whatever that means.

1.) Unique customer service:
There’s always the classic “sandwich maker that ignored you while attending to a text message,” but you’re too awkward to say anything; you also didn’t want to interrupt a possibly important conversation. And who could forget the friendly manager who yells at you if you leave with food in a to-go cup. Either way, the employees of ’63 South hold it as their highest goal to keep you satisfied as a customer, even if that means failing miserably.

 

It’s gross and no one knows what’s going on, but it’s the somehow the best option you’ve got if you want to keep surviving.

 

 

 

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