Does the idea of going to the same gym and doing the same workout for the fifth time this week make you contemplate just never getting off the couch again? Do you have an inexplicable fixation with the UCF mascot? If you answered yes to any of these, then The Knightro Workout is the solution for you.
Step 1— Sprint from the CFE Arena to the library:
Knightro goes hard, and his workout starts the same way. Sprint from CFE to the library, but don’t take the easy route. Knightro doesn’t use bridges or sidewalks so make sure you trudge through the swamp in front of the Student Union during your sprint. The mud makes it harder to run and you will get shredded.
Step 2— Carry two backpacks up and down the library stairwell:
As your sprint comes to an end pick up two fully packed backpacks. Preferably you’d have two prepared backpacks ready to go, but stealing two backpacks can work in a pinch. Proceed to run up and back down the library stairs at least three times. Be careful not to let your cries of agony get too loud or else you’ll get kicked out, and then the whole workout is ruined.
Step 3— Ten laps around the Reflection Pond:
Once finished with the stairs, exit the library and head straight for the Reflection Pond. Jump right on in, the water is fine, and do at least ten laps swimming around the pool. It is very important to remember that generally speaking, the less clothing you have on for the step the less odd it will seem to others.
Step 4— Chase and catch a campus squirrel:
Now that you are thoroughly soaked, it’s time to work on some agility. Boxers used to chase chickens in order to be nimble and agile while remaining on their feet. Well, how hard can it really be to catch a flightless bird? Knightro likes a challenge and needless to say, catching a squirrel by hand is way harder than a chicken. Yeah, that’s how Knights do it.
Step 5— Grab a quick snack at ’63 South:
Part of being a strong person is having a strong stomach. Knightro always stops at ’63 South to take a mid-workout snack break. If you can keep ’63 South down while in the middle of a workout, you have a stomach of steel and full warrior status will be given to you.
Step 6— Repeal down Garage B:
After a not so appetizing meal, it’s time to jump right back into it, literally. After eating, Knightro likes to work off his snack by repealing down Parking Garage B. No, don’t even ask, you cannot use ropes of any sort. If this leaves you wondering how you won’t get hurt it’s really simple: just don’t get hurt.
Step 7— Play dodge car between Garage B and the RWC:
Once you are safely back on the ground, you can let out a sigh of relief. You’re almost done. Now just to cross the street. If you think you can simply wait for the green pedestrian signal, you’ve got another thing coming. You’ll need to cross while that red hand is showing, again to really hone that agility.
Step 8— Rocky Climb the RWC stairs:
Finally the last step of the workout. Simple enough, climb up the stairs to the gym and celebrate. Throw your arms in the air and go wild. You’ve just completed the hardest workout ever created for UCF Knights. Just remember to wave to the losers who are dumb enough to actually use the gym as you walk away.
Follow this workout regimen to get super ripped and exhibit your dominance over all other UCF students. Do your best to avoid campus police and faculty though because, like, most of these steps will get you trespassed from the property. And then you’ll have to buy a Planet Fitness membership like a goddamn fool.
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