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An Open Letter to New UCF Head Football Coach, Josh Heupel

Dear Mr. Heupel,

I know how it feels: new school, no friends, everything seems like a huge challenge. But let me tell you, Josh, it’s all a perfectly natural part of the transient and ceaseless stream of life, upon which you are a small fragile leaf, floating innocently along the chaotic surface.

Now, you’ve probably already heard of me down there at the athletics department under nicknames such as Long Rod Von Hugendome, Pickly Sphixer, Smoigen Bowler Balls, or even my international alias, Chad Thundercock. Regardless of what you may have heard about me, if there’s one thing you must know about me, it’s who I am on the inside, or more importantly, what Frat I’m in.

You see, Mr. Heupel sir, in my Frat, we hold only the strictest values to our core, turning fresh meat into long-dicked Sperry-wearing motherfuckers; anyone of our alumni can attest to that. And the thing is, me and some of my brothers – FYI, I don’t differentiate between biological and fraternity brothers, every member of the human race is a brother to me, except for nerds of course.

But anyway, we were thinking that because of what a cool dude you are, you know, being the head coach of the football team and all, that we could make an exception in our strict recruiting process and maybe offer you a spot in the club – except we’re not a club, we’re a brotherhood, fo lyfe, ya dig.

Back to the point. My holy brothers of the fraternal order and I would like to officially offer you an invitation. Whether you accept or deny possibly becoming one of the brothers that does brotherly things in our brotherly fraternity is up to you.

If you decide that you might be interested in getting a little taste of the Frat life, there’s no need to send an RSVP or written response; just show up at the corner of Gemini and Alafaya at 4 a.m. wearing a plain lavender shirt, medium blue boot-cut jeans (I swear to God and all his beautiful children if I catch you wearing narrow or straight cut I will make you shit through your dick, do you understand?!), a bottle of Preparation H, a pair of 2008 purple and yellow Kobe’s size 9 ½ (I don’t care what size you are), and a signed copy of Pink Floyd’s record Animals (and goddammit, it better be an original pressing or there will be Hell to pay.)

Once you have followed these instructions, you will undergo our “New Member Education Process” where we will “train you in becoming a productive member of society” which is all code-word for “We’re gonna haze your fucking nuts off you big hairy pussy!”

Now, if this sounds like something you think you’re good enough to be a part of, follow those directions, we’ll see you then, and one more thing: at any point during your time at UCF and in our frat, your membership can be revoked by a brotherhood council vote that will be based off your performance on the field with our undefeated Knights (i.e. if you a lose a game, we never knew each other, got it?).

Best of luck and don’t forget to give your favorite frat boys a shout out at the first game (or else),

Yours Truly, Hugs and Kisses,
Broseph Chadrick “Edward-Armando-Bazrahd-Gucci-Gang” Tanner

 

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