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A Response To the Extension of the Greek Moratorium by Broseph Tanner

Re: About the Extension of Moratorium

Dear Whoever’s in Charge of Greek Life,

What the fuck, man? I already have to be sober during my classes, but now I have to be sober outside of class too? I mean, I can’t even drink with my bros. I thought two weeks of sobriety was bad, but now SIX?! Who’s the jerk-off that came up with this rule?

I mean, I’m twenty-eight years old, I’ve been in college for nearly a decade but my advisor says I should be out by 2020 – I’m majoring in sports and exercise science so obviously it takes a while to complete the degree. But anyways, I’m an adult and I should be able to have a beer or two or thirty.

I just want to know who’s in charge of these decisions. I mean, really, come on, like you’ve never gotten drunk in your life. Plus, I don’t think that you understand how nature works, man. For every action there’s an opposite and equal reaction. Same thing goes for drinking in Greek life. You make us sober now, we’re gonna go fucking nuts the second you lift the ban – that doesn’t mean you should make us permanently sober to solve the problem either.

All I’m asking is for you guys to give us a little freedom. We want to get drunk, so let us get drunk. I get it, you guys don’t want bad things to happen to us so you say, “Hey, I think if they lay off the booze for a little while, all the problems will be solved.” That’s a reasonable assumption. But it’s not true. Our first and most powerful impulse is to rebel. To get fucking hammered whenever, wherever, for whatever reason – in fact, we don’t even need a reason, just something with ethanol in it.

So, just think to yourself, how would you like it if I made you sober? Probably not too much. Golden rule, man, it applies to everyone; even the stiffs in charge of this whole clusterfuck of Greek organizations.

And another thing, back to the nature thing I addressed earlier, do you know how people work? It’s like the people mandating this shit have lived under a rock for the past billion years! People are wild, and by divine grace, irreversibly addicted to alcohol. Look back on the days when Plato and his great mentor Socrates would pace underneath the afternoon shade of the Parthenon and discuss the fate and scripture of the universe; you think those guys were sober? Hell no!

People have been making wine since the dawn of man. And if you think that drinking is blasphemous or counter-productive, then you’ve never been to church, ‘cause those guys drink as part of their ceremony; which lends itself to the argument, “If Jesus jumped off a bridge – or more pertinently, drank some fine wine – would you do the same?” I sure fucking would. I’d get drunk with the savior himself, Plato, anybody looking for a good time.

Anyway, I think I’m getting a little side-tracked, and nauseous, I just finished my eighth beer in under an hour. Please make us un-sober so we can go out and have a good time, like young people are supposed to – and old people, too.

Plus, have you ever tried picking up a girl at a bar without a drop of alcohol? It’s physically impossible. Because of your little “moratorium” there’s guys who haven’t done what wild animals do – if ya know what I mean – in damn near six months. Can you imagine that? Not having sex for six months? Those are the people you should be worrying about: sober, celibate, and mad as hell. Do us a favor, drop the bull-shit and let us drink.

Broseph Tanner

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