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A Statement from Broseph Tanner: The SGA President UCF Deserves

Dear UCF Students,

I think it’s about time that someone with some real brains took over. I’m talking about me. For SGA president. That’s right. Broseph Tanner in the president’s chair. Just at the mere thought of me being in office could make some scared, others excited; I personally get a little hard just thinking about.

It all came to me as I was writing in my super-secret “Random Thoughts Diary” and really indulged in the idea of running for student body president. I started thinking of all the cool stuff I could do and how much people would love me as their ruler. I even started imagining myself dressed in golden samurai armor sitting on an ivory throne with a bunch of hot slaves fanning me and feeding me grapes, but we won’t get into that.

Anyway, here is I, Broseph Chadrick Tanner’s SGA presidential platform:

Fix the parking problem:
Here’s the plan: UCF subsidizes a mass project with the engineering department to build and distribute portable jet packs. In effect, we will have created a mass labor force of jet-pack assemblers and we will also be shifting our community into an advanced technological state– like the movies. Now I know what you’re thinking, “But Broseph, doesn’t that mean we all have to pay for a jet-pack?” Let me just say this, no student will ever pay for a jet-pack while I’m in office; and that’s a promise.

The titty bar situation:
Yes, I know that this has been a matter of great discussion across campus but I would just like to formally address it here, in my official platform. As your next student body president, I will ensure that this campus, by the end of my tenure, will be home to the greatest nudie bar ever known. The cries of the masses have been heard, and I am here to answer. I will fight the bureaucratic forces of UCF to ensure that every student gets to enjoy a tasteless and desensitizing panorama of boobies and bonkers, or my name isn’t Broseph Carson Tanner.

Good grades:
As a fellow student, I know how hard it is to be smart. Most of us have something just a little off about us, like Forrest Gump, and that’s a fact. Under my reign, no student shall be discriminated against for being lazy, ignorant, careless, or even just plain stupid. In God’s eyes, all people are equal, why should that not be the same for students? I have a dream that one day, my kids will not be judged by the letter of their grade, but by the contents of their bowels— I mean heart.

Rock’n’roll:
You’re probably wondering why I just randomly wrote down Rock’n’roll and what it could possibly mean. The reality is, I just felt like writing Rock’n’roll, and now I can’t stop. I like Rock’n’roll, it’s good shit. I feel like somehow I could integrate Rock’n’roll with my platform. I just have no fucking idea how. Maybe something like “Rock on, UCF” or “UCF is the heart of Rock’n’roll.” I don’t know, I’ll come back to this one.

Free shirts:
As a paying customer, I don’t feel like I’m really getting the most out of my college years. I pay activity fees, tuition, all sorts of shit. Can I at least get a free t-shirt every now and then? And don’t make me go to a game for one. Just send it to me in the mail, I’ll watch the game on TV.

Turn Millican Hall into a Frat House:
Now, I don’t know if this is technically under my jurisdiction, but I’d like to find out if this would be possible. I’d also definitely look into transforming the Reflecting Pond into a heart shaped jacuzzi. Maybe decorate the building with some sick banners of alcohol related stuff; maybe some arcade games, a movie room, a banging room. Well, maybe not a banging room. I’d have to see about that.

 

That’s all I got.
Deuces,
Broseph Calvin Tanner

 

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