Connect with us
Connect with us

Central Florida

You’re Already Failing This Semester. Why Not Become The Best Apocalypse-Fearing Preacher On Campus?

So you already ruined this semester by starting the Charlie Sheen diet and spending 16 hours a day improving your build technique in Fortnite. Your world is ending around you and you’re unwilling to do anything about it. Why not use this time to make a major career change? After all, you may not be able to claim student as your occupation after this semester. Why not follow these steps to becoming a preacher on campus and spouting crazy shit all day? You see them everywhere around campus, how hard could it be? Plus the end is near, right? 

5.) Find a soapbox:

Every great performer needs a stage. For some it may be Broadway, others it could be the silver screen. Your stage will literally be a curb. It was proven, by science, that when you stand at a slightly higher elevation than a crowd of people, the crowd is forced to pay attention. So needless to say, you’re going to need this. 

4.) Fix your hair:
The way you wear your hair says a lot about you. Your goal is to make sure that everyone who even looks in your direction knows you’re bat-shit crazy. Walmart sells clippers at a very reasonable price. Or even better, don’t buy clippers at all! As long as you try you will succeed in ruining your hair, and that’s all that matters.

3.) Dress the part:
Dressing the part is where it can get a little tricky. You want to look both disheveled but also professional. Imagine Dwight Schrute and Charlie Kelly having a love child and how they might dress. Use this as your inspiration. Try a short-sleeve button down with a soup-stained tie – that should do the trick.

2.) Get a megaphone:
Nothing screams “well-informed” like a person yelling nonsense into a megaphone. It worked for the president, why not you? So, naturally, it would be a tremendous idea to pick up a megaphone. If passersby ear’s aren’t bleeding, how do you know they even heard you?

1.) Get a great sign: 
A great sign can be the difference between a random panhandler, and a fierce pre-apocalyptic warrior. Try something along the lines of “It’s always five o clock during the apocalypse” or “When the rapture comes, I’m headed to Margaritaville.” You want the sign to make as much sense as your ramblings.

Now all that is left is to go set up outside the library, and begin spreading your world ending points of view. If you followed these steps correctly you’ll be to busy leading an occult of your followers to even remember you were failing this semester.

Listen to Talk of Shame, a podcast about being young & dumb, hosted by 2 drunk girls from The Black Sheep, Mackenzie & Andrea. One can’t find her tampon, the other one’s laundry is probably on fire. Subscribe to Talk of Shame:

Continue Reading

More from Central Florida

To Top