We sent an intrepid reporter to Tampa this weekend to watch the National Championship while avoiding getting gummed by toothless, drunk Alabama fans. And while the question “Is Deshaun Watson the #onetrueheisman and a God among men?” was answered with a distinct YES, there were several other questions raised. Here are twenty, in no particular order.
20.) How the hell is there even a cold front in Tampa?
19.) When you think Tampa you think 70s and sunny, not freezing your ass off while getting hit by arctic like winds. Global warming or Nick Saban’s butthole freezing up from Deshaun’s prowess?
18.) If you’re going to the National Championship, is the best way to do surrounded by your dysfunctional family while stone cold sober?
17.) Nope, it sucks balls. Where is all the alcohol in Florida besides in the cup holders of dudes getting DUIs on lawn mowers?
16.) Crimson Tide = an elephant mascot how exactly?
15.) Like, is there a story about it? Actually we don’t care Bama fans don’t @us.
14.) Are all Alabama fans are toothless trailer trash? (Answer: no, about 15 of them were very pleasant. This lady was ok.)
13.) Is Alabama’s stadium named after whoever invented the mobile home?
12.) Seriously, why are there so many mobile homes? Do they have to pay rent if they drove their home to the game?
11.) Does the governor of Alabama get a golden mobile home all to himself?
10.) How the hell do you get tickets to sit in the pirate ship? That thing is kickass.
9.) Does Clemson own Alabama now? Like, on a geographic/political level? Like, Alabama is ours now, right? Because we should burn it down and start it fresh.
8.) Is Hunter Renfrow the king of “sneaky athletic” (white) receivers?
7.) 9 months from Monday, how many babies named Hunter or Dabo will be born? A million?
6.) Why does Alabama punter J.K. Scott always look like someone just stole his lunch money?
5.) Jalen Hurts: noodle arm… noodle dick?
4.) Lane Kiffin is probably laughing his ass off right now and who can blame him?
3.) Is Deshaun Watson the greatest Clemson football player of all time and the best player in the nation? Answer: Yes and if you don’t think so you’re a dumbass.
2.) Is watching your team win a national championship is better than any drug or alcohol? Yes, but it’s even better if you mix the two.
1.) Suck it Nick Saban????
Many of these questions went unanswered, so if you have any answers to these, or were there and have some additional questions we should add to the list, send ’em our way on Twitter at @BlackSheep_Clem. In the meantime welcome back and keep skipping class to celebrate!