March is here, and that means it’s time to hit the bars for the annual Ain’t Patty’s Day bar crawl downtown! This Saturday is the the big day and doors open at the crack of noon, which means you’re in for a big long day of boozin’. We want to see your bright and happy faces back here after spring break, so here are some pro tips to surviving Ain’t Patty’s Day:
Pregame with Bojangles or Waffle House:
Really anything greasy will work, and lord knows you don’t wanna be TOO lit (ha, okay) before even making it downtown. If you’re really trying to pregame before making your way downtown, Waffle House probably won’t mind the liquor you bring with you… it is Waffle House after all.
Ride the CatBus downtown (or Uber if you’re scared of explosions):
Don’t drink and drive ya dimwits. This seem like an obvious choice, but at the end of the bar crawl, people are going to be trashed. Keep the streets of Clemson safe and full of drunken buffoonery. In the end, it’s better to throw up for free in a parking lot rather than paying the clean-up fee for yakking in your Uber.
Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint:
First one puking in the alley behind Wells Fargo is buying the next round! Be mindful that this is an all-day event. Pace yourself throughout this day of drunkenness to push off the inevitable of emptying your stomach contents behind Clemson’s most notorious hurl destination.
Print this out if you’re smart, or go here.
COPS COPS COPS:
This is Clemson, a fairly small town, and last year we had a surprisingly large amount of MIPs given out downtown. A stat that, while impressive, is also disappointing. Cops are going to be walking around watching your drunk ass try to climb traffic lights and that’s a perfect way to earn yourself a drinking ticket. If you plan on being one of those belligerent drunks, be advised to stay away from the Study Hall and 356 area of downtown, you heard it here first folks.
Bathrooms to visit if the bars run out of toilet paper:
Drunk people seem to think they need half the roll of toilet paper to wipe themselves, especially when the green beer hits, so this is bound to happen fast. Jimmy Johns and Firehouse both have realllllllyyyyy nice bathrooms for you to destroy. The bushes may seem like a good place to go, but given the aforementioned police presence, getting caught with your pants around your ankles in some shrubbery isn’t the best thing that could happen.
Little Caesar’s is not the only food option downtown:
It’s the middle of the day, everything is open and willing to steal the money of intoxicated college kids. Try Firehouse Subs, Jimmy Johns, BGR, maybe order some wings or chicken fingers whilst in Backstreets or any other bar. Be sure to listen for your number so another drunken idiot doesn’t swipe your order. Worst case scenario you become that drunk idiot and steal someone else’s food once yours gets taken.
Come do an Interview with The Black Sheep:
Yours truly will be out and about this weekend spotting people with the best dance moves and trying to recap this drunk holiday! If you think you deserve to be featured on The Black Sheep, just start shouting Taylor! Taylorrrr! I might have koozies and stickers to hand out to anyone who agrees to be interviewed!
Hopefully everyone will get drunk as hell, and stay safe at the same time. A key of the day is to have a mom of the group who only gets a little wine drunk so that they can keep track of everyone throughout the day. If you see someone alone and lost, help a fellow Tiger out and give them a shot! Let’s reinforce the idea of the Clemson Family this weekend and all get trashed together! Go Tigers!