The Official Ain’t Patty’s Day Survival Guide
ThIt’s March and that means it’s time for everyone’s favorite fake holiday: AIN’T PATTY’S DAY! Some of you noobs might be wondering, “What is this and how do I participate in it?” Well, Ain’t Patty’s Day is our way of making up not being on campus for the boozefest that is St. Patrick’s Day, a long tradition passed down from Clemson students of yesteryear where if you buy a shirt (wink look at all the ads in this issue wink) and wear it, you’ll get all sorts of deals at bars downtown. This year Ain’t Patty’s Day falls on March 11th so mark your calendars and get your asses downtown for a good time.
To help you out If you’re a rookie, we put together a little survival guide that you’re going to want to read because it’s a marathon, not a sprint.
6.) Ask Mommy for Some Money in Advance:
Obviously, you’ll be drinking for cheaper than normal in your green Ain’t Patty’s Day shirt. You’ll be in the holiday spirit and, thus, will justify blowing through all your green. Make sure to ask your mom for an Andrew Jackson or five so you can keep the car bombs coming in hot. Just tell a white lie and say you’re making a day trip to Greenville and are going out to a nice dinner. Even better, say you need $150 for that economics textbook you’ve yet to purchase. She’ll never find out. It’s not like she has Snapchat, she won’t see your friend’s story of you passed out on six different benches.
5.) Don’t Overdo the Pregame:
It is absolutely necessary to douse your liver with good ol’ Jack Daniel’s before you go out on a Friday night. However, don’t carry that habit into the bar crawl. This will literally be an all-day alcohol excursion. Unless you want to vomit before making your way past Mr. Knickerbocker, take it easy on the pregame. Make yourself a mimosa or pour a beer in your breakfast cereal and you’ll be good to go.
4.) If You’re Gonna Spew, Spew into This:
Obviously the toilet is your first choice, but given every bar is going to be packed to the brim, you most likely won’t make it. So, you’ve got two more options — the alleyway next to Tiger Sports or the parking lot next to Your Pie are staff favorites here at The Black Sheep. Otherwise, you’ve got two shoes for a reason…
3.) Don’t Go SLEDding:
It’s been the story of this whole semester: SLED is on the prowl to dish out MIPs. If you aren’t 21 and are planning on joining the festivities, make sure your fake ID is ready to go. Tigertown isn’t naïve; we all know you use it. Throw some dirt on that baby and make it look like it wasn’t acquired from Beijing last week. When you see a 40-year-old man with cargo pants and an IPTAY shirt approaching, run. If you do get caught, just blame it on our government for not lowering the drinking age to 18.
2.) Line Your Stomach with Food:
Quick hits for the best day-drunk food: BGR’s burgers will fill you up in a pinch, Wingin’ It will provide you with needed protein and keep ya’ buzz alive with beer, and finally, of course Moe’s — because nothing better to drop a couple margaritas into a stomach full of tacos and green beer.
1.) Plan on Going Out:
Like we said, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. When your drunken adventure through downtown during the daylight is over, don’t just get Moe’s and call it a day. Go get a $10 case from BI-LO and rally. It’s Saturday night and the last weekend before spring break. Don’t be lame and stay in. Keep the party going.