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Alabama May Have Won the Sugar Bowl But Here are 7 Reasons to be Thankful You’re Not From that Garbage State

Apparently the Clemson Tigers decided it was a new year, new Tigers to the detriment of the Sugar Bowl. A team that looked completely different than what we’ve watched all year showed up and got their little butts kicked by Jalen Hurts and the Crimson Tide. But you know what? Things could be worse – we could actually go to Alabama. Yes, the silver lining of all this is that we woke up Clemson students, and they’re stuck in Alabama, a state that reiterated in 2017 that it is, hands down, the worst place on earth. And so, in the spirit of never accepting loss, here are 7 reasons that we should be thankful that we don’t roll with the Tide.

7.) 25 of 67 Alabama Counties are Dry:
Just over 1/3 of Alabama counties are “dry” – no alcohol sold. You thought having a dry campus was a pain; imagine living in a depressing state like Alabama and not being able to buy a drink at all. It’s enough to turn anyone into a bootlegger, but doesn’t do well for the “I was drunk when I banged my cousin,” excuse. 

6.) Alabama Doesn’t Have “Tiger Rag”:
Clemson’s Tiger Rag is a classic, and just turned 75 this October. Like the song or not, you probably know it by heart. Alabama’s dumb school song (“Yea Alabama!”) is super lame and, in fact, is sung incorrectly. Go Tigers!

5.) Their Quarterback is named Jalen Hurts:
That’s not even a name. That’s a sentence. And it’s not even a correct sentence, to boot – Jalen doesn’t hurt; he makes us hurt, because he’s so UGLY NO WE’RE NOT BITTER WHY?

4.) Nick Saban is no Dabo:
Dabo is rapidly becoming the greatest football coach in college football, and in fact is already having whispers of replacing Saban, despite that being ridiculous and insane. Dabo will prevail, and already took this what was supposed to be a rebuilding year nearly to the National Championship (again). Nick Saban, on the other hand, is satan

3.) Big Al Sucks:
Guys, The Tiger is dope. Our mascot is real and tangible and sometimes he wears sweaters. On the other hand, Big Al, Alabama’s elephant mascot, is just some dude in a cheap elephant suit. The only way that Alabama could even approach the coolness of TT is if they brought an actual elephant to their football games and he just, like, hung out on the sideline and ate peanuts.

2.)Alabama Doesn’t Have Death Valley:
Never forget that our stadium is 1000x better than whatever shithole Alabama currently plays in. Alabama doesn’t have anything close to Death Valley and all the traditions it entails. 

1.) Alabama Nearly Elected a Pedofile and We Should Never Forget That:

 

Look at this guy and tell us he didn’t vote for Roy Moore, a racist pedofile, to make laws in our government. This is the guy you see when you walk around Alabama. Clemson, on the other hand, is full of beautiful smart people. Though the good people of Alabama rallied and elected a much better option, let’s just remember to mention this in every conversation about Alabama from now until eternity. 

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