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Top 10 Ways to Avoid Pesky Tablers on Library Bridge

Walking along Library Bridge is a daily necessity for pretty much everyone on campus, and for a lot of us it’s an absolute nightmare. If you’re an extrovert, good for you. Drink responsibly. But for all the introverts out there, we know that feeling of dread when we see campus organizations gathering on Library Bridge to hand out business cards and candy in the middle of the day. Social interaction sucks! Here are some ways you can keep yourself hidden.

10.) Wear headphones:
Nobody wants to interrupt someone who seems to be enjoying their music, mostly because they know that if they call to you and you don’t answer, they’ll look like a complete idiot. Little do they know you’re listening to the Spongebob Squarepants Movie soundtrack on repeat.

9.) Parkour, or something:

If you’re daring and agile in any way, use that to your advantage. If you see a table, jump onto the railing and into the center of the bridge where banners typically hang. Hopefully there WILL be banners there. If there are, swing across the bridge like Tarzan. If they aren’t, well, we’ll be happy to write your eulogy.

8.) Blast “Photograph” by Nickelback:

No one is going to want to associate with you if you’re listening to this, especially if you’re listening to it proudly. We already have a good quarterback; we don’t need a Nickelback too.

7.) Cry:

If you’re crying, chances are nobody is going to want to come up to you asking if you want to write down why you love Jesus. Because here at Clemson, feelings scare people! Why else do you think we have football and parties with copious amounts of alcohol?

6. The Look of DeathTM:
If you live with your parents on breaks, you know too well that feeling when they open your door without knocking. That look you give them? You’ve practically mastered it, so use it to the best of your abilities, and stare into every tabler’s soul. You may discover a deep truth about them, while simultaneously avoiding their promotions.

5.) Naruto run:

Remember how in middle school if you were running late to class you would crouch down, stick your arms out behind you, and run like you were Usain Bolt? Just do that. It will be obvious that you’re late for something. Or maybe nobody feels like wrangling a bull that day.

4.) Repeat everything tablers say:
“Care to donate to our sorority?”
“Care to donate to our sorority?”
“No, we’re asking for—“
“No, we’re asking for—“
Then just walk away.

3.) Get existential!
Ever had someone come up to you and say something like, “Hey, do you want a chance at winning a year’s supply of Moe’s?” Well, just remind them that nothing really matters, since we’re all going to die someday. They’ll probably pack up and leave.

2.) Own a hoverboard:

If you own a hoverboard, you’re obviously important on campus. Library Bridge tablers prey on the weak; the students who think they’re tigers but are really just large house cats with dreams. They see you rollin’. They ignore you.

1.) Create a club about avoiding tables on Library Bridge:
Determined? Desperate? Bored? If you’re any of these things, why don’t you just start a club about avoiding tables on Library Bridge? You wouldn’t believe how many people would probably join. And where would you advertise this club? You guessed it!
Hendrix.

Following these tips won’t guarantee immunity from these Pacman-like creatures we call our classmates, but all we can do is hope. Just remember that The Black Sheep is not responsible for any injuries, so Naruto-run at your own risk.

 

WATCH: We made Malort cupcakes. They are bad.

 

 
 

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