ALABAMA – Tide fans everywhere wearily woke this morning wishing the sun hadn’t risen. After Clemson’s shocking last-second win thanks to the heroics of Football Superman and All Around Nice Guy Who You Should Marry Tomorrow Deshaun Watson, Alabama fans’ collective world was rocked.
“What even matters anymore? If we’re not good at football, why should we care about anything? Nothing matters,” one gloomy Alabama Elephants fan derided. “Well, besides f***ing my sister, I guess that’s all I care about.”
It seems all is lost for the Crimson Tide nation, however, one scientist offered some insight into this cultural crossroads. “You see, in this graph you can see football slowly rise to be the sole thing people from Alabama cared about, eclipsing TruckNutz and incest. However, now that they lost on national television to the Clemson underdogs, they’re future is untold.”
“Like, might they wake up today and realize they voted for a guy who’s going to take all their healthcare away? Or will they roll over, see their cousin laying there, and proceed to have sex with them? We just don’t know! And that’s exciting, because if they won last night, they would’ve just gotten drunk and screamed Roll Tide at everything for the next 6 months.”
Despite all odds and Cowherds, Clemson took the throne from Alabama Football last night. Now, whether take a long hard look in the mirror is up to them stare back at their toothless sisters/brothers and climb back into bed, or decide football isn’t everything and look inward is entirely up to them. Hopefully they choose the latter, because our future as a nation depends on that. And by that we mean, the collective amount of teeth in this nation rises 40%.