Around springtime especially, you can expect to see countless tour groups full of aspiring Clemson students and their parents wanting to learn the ins and outs of the school. But if you stalk behind these groups slowly idling around campus, you’ll notice the tour leaders make the university look too perfect. Why miss all the fun of exposing Clemson’s flaws? Here are some places your tour guide could do that!
What they say: “Across Library Bridge and past the Reflection Pond, this fascinating structure is a great place where students enjoy concerts and come to study when it’s nice outside.”
What they mean: “Leading up to the stage are weird grass steps used to distract you from the constant inclines around campus while still highlighting the fact that this campus is the farthest thing from being flat. Many students who come here attempt to study but end up falling asleep, resulting in an entire summer’s worth of sunburn and a lot of regret.”
What they say: “This campus hot spot is the #1 path to Cooper Library, so it’s a great spot to advertise clubs, charities, and upcoming student events!”
What they mean: “Many students use this to get to the other half of campus when they’re sick of eating at the same dining hall all the time. It’s difficult to avoid, so often students are forced to hide from the tablers on Library Bridge, similarly to how Spongebob and Patrick had to get through the perfume department that one time. You know what I’m talking about, whatever I’m still kind of drunk, don’t look at me like that, dads.”
Brooks Center for the Performing Arts:
What they say: “It’s a beautiful construction with a spacious auditorium that holds a large audience to appreciate the school’s many student performances.”
What they mean: “If you’re going to Clemson for the arts, chances are it’s because you live in South Carolina and this was your best bet, given the in-state tuition. Not to say it’s a bad program… just be prepared to explain yourself when one of your conservative family members expects you to be an engineering student and is severely disappointed in you.”
What they say: “Clemson dining halls offer a great variety of foods and having a meal plan is a great way to eat all the food you want. The food is great and the employees work very hard to have all of the university’s students fed!”
What they mean: “This is where most students eat between classes because there isn’t enough time to go home. Before you get your food make sure to inspect your plate to see if there’s any leftover food residue, and remember to hold your breath when you walk by the dish drop off once you’re finished eating! Otherwise, you might lose the lunch you just ate, and it’ll probably just be cleaned up with some water and a few paper towels.”
What they say: “This historic and not-racist building is what Clemson’s most known for, besides football, so much that it’s included in the school’s Snapchat filter!”
What they mean: “This building is named after Benjamin Tillman, a white supremacist and former South Carolina governor who helped found the university. The bells are nice though.”
Clemson University is still a beautiful school, but shouldn’t you be allowed to know everything about it, not just the good stuff? Maybe Clemson should ask one of The Black Sheep writers to run their next tour, surely we’ll get a lot of great applicants to commit after they know the truth!