Clemson Pike Continues Darty into Day 2 Despite Irma: ‘I Only F*ck with Tens’

author-pic at Clemson University  

Pi Kappa Alpha senior Logan Thomas expressed his apathy regarding Category 5 Hurricane Irma after a second day of classes at Clemson were cancelled Tuesday morning, as he browsed the unthreatened stockpiles of Powerade and whey protein at the crowded Wal-Mart on Main St. 

Thomas, possibly misunderstanding the Saffir-Simpson hurricane scale spectrum, is not even slightly worried about the storm currently hammering Clemson and the rest of South Carolina. 

“Dude, all these dumb pledges and girls think it’s like the apocalypse here,” said an amused Thomas, chugging a Natty as a huge tree crashed down onto a nearby car. “Hurricanes hit us every year and everyone’s always freaking out, but I’m just chillin’ yano, class cancelled means I’m partying haha.”

The hurricane, which forced the entirety of Florida into a preemptive state of emergency, is said to have the strongest recorded winds in the Atlantic to date, though it has died down in the last couple days. Still, Clemson University saw the storm as enough of a threat to cancel class two days in a row.

“Like, are you kidding me? I ain’t scared of no ‘canes,” continued Thomas. “Miami is ranked number eighteen in the NCAA, they have no chance against us. Besides, I only fuck with tens,” he smirked while eyeballing his own biceps.

When reminded that this ‘cane is in reference to Hurricane Irma, Thomas claimed his only worry is finding a willing “Tinder bih” to leave her house and “chill” with him this weekend.

“The lowest I’ll go is a seven,” added Thomas, his mind likely still on females rather than the category 5 hurricane. “Anything lower than that isn’t worth my time–“

“Unless we’re talking about the Tigers,” chimed in his friend and fraternity brother, Chad, who apparently missed the first two home football games of the season. “Number three, baby!”

As students hunker down and watch Netflix as Irma quietly pitter-patters outside, they brace for Hurricane Jose, which might be yet another reason to stay home and “rage” next week.

“My boys and I threw this freakin’ rager in the house last night. We’re forever grateful for that storm ‘cause we needed the lights out anyway,” said Thomas.

For now, school is cancelled again in Clemson as students, faculty, and probably the government officials keep a watchful eye on the weather channel in hopes this doesn’t cancel the game on Saturday. Stay safe, Tigers!

Listen to our podcast!