Clemson vs. Bama: The Ultimate Breakdown of the 2017 Natty Championship
We got a rematch. It’s what we’ve all wanted ever since Nick Saban did the ballsiest thing of his career, then had the NERVE to look directly at us and smile like a little rat:
We’ll never forgive you for shitting on our dreams Nick. But f*ck Nick, let’s just take a moment and appreciate what Dabo Swinney has done. WE’RE GOING TO OUR SECOND STRAIGHT NATTY. This team is built to last too since we’ve been recruiting lights out. Clemson will be competing for championships for years and it’s great to be a Tiger. But first, let’s focus on the present: the Natty Championship.
This game will be exciting. It’s already got plenty of drama — Lane Kiffin managed to Lane Kiffin himself out of a job 6 days before the biggest game of the year, with reports that getting left by the team at press conferences, public ass chewings from Saban, and no hot booster wives left to hit on all impacted Kiffin leaving. It was all just too much for Lane to handle. So yes, they lost their offensive coordinator 6 days before the game, but Steve Sarkisian is almost a Kiffin clone. As long as he isn’t hitting the sauce, and you better believe Nick is making him take sobriety tests every hour, he is a pretty decent play caller.
But let’s be clear: Bama is a hell of a team, and Nick Saban is a hell of a coach. That being said, we can beat these guys. We have the best player in college football, a WWE superstar/psychopath for a linebacker:
And if Bama gets even remotely comfortable Christian Wilkins knows just what to do. Some of you are like “Ew! Gross! How can you support that?!”. We won that’s how! Hell he could’ve punched a baby like Cam Brady did in the Campaign and we wouldn’t have cared so long as we won. WINNING IS ALL THAT MATTERS.
In the end, Bama is coached by a grumpy man in a tiny womanly body who loves to eat oatmeal crème pies, and may or may not have sold his soul to the Devil (these are all facts). Soon the Devil will call Nick’s name (presumably to shove stuff up his butt, because that’s what they do in hell (again, facts)) — and we feel the end is nigh for Nick.
Now Clemson can win this game, but we can’t go turning the ball over. Bama has scored an ungodly amount of non-offensive touchdowns this year. Their offense was pretty vanilla against Washington, but their exceptional defense won the game. Johnathan Allen, Ryan Anderson, and Minkah Fitzpatrick, the leaders of the Bama Defense, turn turnovers into points, which add up in a hurry.
Clemson’s defensive key to winning the game is shutting down the Bama run. If we can make Jalen Hurts throw, it will turn in Clemson’s favor. He’s got a noodle arm and a noodle dick, don’t @ us.
Obviously Clemson has to score points too. Good thing we have one of the greatest offenses in the game, but running the ball will be tough if it’s just Gallman. Expect Deshaun to run early and often. Even still, the passing game will be crucial. We all know what we were able to do last year (God bless Hunter Renfrow) and now we have Mike Williams back so it will be exciting to see what happens.
This Clemson team is focused and angry. They’re hungry for a championship so expect them to come out and play their best game. If we get the win get ready for the best party of your life that you… probably won’t remember. Expect to see goal posts being drug through downtown Tampa, all the way to Clemson, SC.
And remember, Baeshaun is the #OneTrueHeisman: