Clemson’s Alma Mater Re-Written for More Accuracy

author-pic at Clemson University  

Clemson University has been around for damn forever and we all know those ancient words of the alma mater. We decided to revamp it a little, especially after Saturday’s shellacking. Here is what we think our alma mater should really go:

Where the Blue Ridge yawns due to lack of sleep,
Where the 8 AMs lay,
Here the sons of mostly rich white guys
Complain that it’s not gameday.

As a Clemson student, you’re going to have at least one 8 AM class before you graduate. And in that 8 AM, you’re guaranteed to find a white guy who can afford all Vineyard Vines clothing but continues to buy Natty Light.

Dear old Clemson we will tailgate,
And with all our might,
That the Tiger’s drunken roar may echo
Every Thursday night.

If you go to a game and less than half of the crowd is wasted, then you’re not at a Clemson game. And if you’re not woken up in the middle of a Thursday night to your neighbors blasting Miley Cyrus’ “Party in the USA” because they don’t have classes the next day, you may want to check your email to see if you actually attend Southern Wesleyan University.

We will dream of greater touchdowns
For our past is grand
And each student has fought and conquered
Every Carolina fan.

Remember that time when we won the National Championship? Also, you may not know this, but our rival school is USC. But we put the Cocks in their place a long time ago.

Where the sorority girls smile with glitter
O’er their hills and dales,
Here the brand new pledges are nestling
With illegal drugs for sale.

Sororities without glitter are just cults and frat boys without illegal drugs are just guys who needed a sense of belonging somewhere. Congratulations! You’ve been exposed.

We are bro dudes with fragile masculinity
For we work and strive (to get laid).
And our racist past seems to reigneth
And is very much alive.

Did you know that many Clemson students are white guys who ask for sex via Yik Yak and own at least 3 Confederate flags handed down to them by their fathers? Not to mention the campus is prone to epidemics of KKK recruitment flyers. But, you know, “heritage.”

If you disagree with any of what we have stated above, then you’re probably one of the ignorant many that attend this university. Everyone needs their privilege checked every now and again, and what better way to do that than through song.

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