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How to Disguise Your Nasty-Ass Hair

Sometimes there just isn’t enough time in the morning to properly wash and fix up yo ‘do. Scratch that—there never is. Even so, you’ve walked into Holtzendorff too many times with a greasy mane hanging lifelessly across your shoulders or else tied up in a sad low ponytail. We present 8 hairstyles that will keep you looking fresh even when your hair isn’t so fresh.

 

oniontail

8.) The Onion TailThese tumorous lumps—or gorgeous bulbs– are perfect for making a lively impression on your peers. Just don’t stand under any light source for too long, or they might begin to sprout.

 

 

jlowpony

7.) The Side Sad Low PonytailThis “runway-inspired look” is slightly less miserable looking than your usual sad low ponytail and has a quirky, asymmetrical appeal that just might trick people into thinking you’re actually clever.

 

overlycomplicatedbraid 

6.) BraidceptionTo achieve this fun, easy hairstyle simply make a braid out of braid that’s made out of tinier braids to form a mega braid of braided glory. Your hair can also be used as an emergency dream catcher or salmon net if necessary.

 

milkmaid

5.) The MilkmaidEver wanted to look matronly and delightfully Swedish at the same time? Then the milkmaid braid is perfect for you. Goes great with a pail and wide, child-bearing hips.

 millipede

4.) The Carapace Braid: Hey gurl, you know what’s sexy? Giant scalp-eating millipedes, that’s what. You’ll have all the boys crawling to you with this hypnotic hairstyle…and once they’ve drawn close enough your hair can feast on their flesh and grow stronger.

 

birdnest

3.) Fully Functional Bird’s Nest: Show off your environmental awareness by creating a shelter for wildlife out of your hair. You can even use the eggs they leave behind as a healthy, protein rich snack.

 

 

moose

2.) Wild StyleYou may have used too much mousse…GET IT? No but seriously, wear an orange vest if you decide to go with this updo—for your own safety.

 

shaved

1.) Shave it: For real though. Just. Do it. 

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