Sure, sorority girls in tutus and tight shirts may get you excited. And yes, you might have a thing for boys who don’t know what a clitoris is. Whatever gets you hot seems to have some pretty sexual implications to them, right? Well, we bet you’ve gotten that exact same feeling from things at Clemson that aren’t inherently sexual. You just don’t know it yet. Let us jog your memory.
6.) Rewatching the Natty:
Nothing better than when roommate’s at class for another few hours, you dim the lights, light a few candles, pop in the 2016 Clemson National Championship Commemorative DVD and just go to town… on your memories. Ohh god, it’s so good. Deshaun, baby. Who needs a cigarette?
5.) The classic “Class is Cancelled Today” email:
Have you ever woken up for an 8 a.m., only to check your email and find out that your class was cancelled? What a treat. You had a tiny orgasm just looking at your inbox containing that Canvas notification alert. Maybe you texted your significant other, telling them you love them and that you should have a fun date night. Perhaps you don’t need to use Viagra anymore! Well played, Doctor Professor Patrick.
4.) Howard’s Rock:
There is absolutely nothing sexual about the rock that all the big men touch before running into the Valley…unless you say it exactly like that. It may be the unattainability of it that makes you so excited, or the fact that it resembles the kidney stone you passed last year, which, if it is, please seek help. Or maybe it’s just what the rock symbolizes that makes you sweat: the love of the game and the need to slap other men’s butts without being called gay.
3.) A reeeeeally good parking spot in THE PIT ( a.k.a. Lot C-1):
Every student dreams of three things when it comes to parking: 1. You are able to find a spot within 15 minutes of arriving on campus. 2. You can park close enough to walk at your normal pace, the speed of a tiger obviously, and get to class on time. 3. The spot is close enough for you to sit in your car and wait for the CATbus and not have to worry about being cold, because walking makes your body sad. Once you get that parking spot of your damn dreams, you can just sit in there for a minute. If you need to clean up after a little while, Hendrix and Watt have really nice bathrooms.
2.) No line at the Cooper Starbucks:
Even if you don’t like coffee, everyone on campus knows that you can’t just walk up to Cooper expecting to get a coffee in 5 minutes (unless you have the Tap-in-Go app you fancy fuck). The line easily wraps around the entire seating area and has stretched to the main staircase many of times before. So, whether you like coffee or not, seeing the lack of people in Cooper Library is always such a turn on.
1.) The Tillman Bells:
If you don’t get butterflies in your stomach when some random fellow student plays the Harry Potter theme song on those historic Tillman bells, are you even a Clemson student? Yes, there is a class offered to learn how to play them! Imagine your next pick up line now, “Hey baby, want me to bang… some bells with me?” Too bad those Tillman bells can’t take midterms for us.
Porn is okay. But sometimes life just needs to be a little more PG. So, maybe next time, think of a more wholesome way to yank it?
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