Have you ever woken up to this text?:
Parent: “Hey!!! We’re in Clemson and we can’t wait to see you! Sorry for surprising you like this, but we thought you’d love it! See ya soon!”
If you have, you know you immediately went into panic cleaning mode. Shoving beer cans in the trash, wiping throw up off the toilet, and shooing your roommate’s friend’s hookup out of the living room. Parents can strike at any moment, and that’s why we’ve created a step by step guide on how to handle this situation.
Step 1 — Tell your room mates:
No matter how much you don’t want to tell them that they need to wash their f***ing dishes, you’re going to have to break the ice and do it! Tell them your parents are psycho and if they see those dishes, they are just going to throw them in the trash. It isn’t reasonable, but maybe they’ll actually do them!
Step 2 — Clean your place:
How do you make your house look like you don’t live off of Little C’s and alcohol? Put those dirty clothes in your room mate’s room, recycle all of those liquor bottles, beer cans and pizza boxes, and just make it look livable.
Step 3 — FREAK OUT:
Okay, you so warned your roommates and attempted to get your place visit ready, but you’re still can not believe they would just show up in town. Go do something to calm yourself down before the officially arrive at your place! Make your yearly visit to the Fike Recreation Center and pump some iron, or make a trip to Y- Beach and catch some rays! You’ll survive, we promise.
Step 4 — Figure out where to take them:
To hide the fact that college is actually kicking your ass, pretend like you have your shit together and take them on a nice stroll through campus and downtown! Clemson itself is beautiful and there are so many wonderful restaurants (El Jimador, Monterrey’s, Brioso, Joe’s NY Pizza) that are perfect for #ParentDates. Or, take them to the back of the Botanical Gardens and drop them off. No more surprise visits after that!
Step 5 — Introduce them to your significant other:
Some of you may have a significant other that has not yet been introduced to your parents yet. Or, you may be lucky enough to be in a serious relationship with Deshaun Watson in your mind? Either way, you’re going to have to face that you’re into someone, and your parents don’t know as much as they’d like. Maybe you can combine this interaction with a parents date? Yeah, that sounds like something someone who has their life together would do.
Step 6 — Hint about your financial needs:
While your parents are paying for your lunch or dinner (or if you’re lucky enough, your alcohol), hint to them that you are “accepting all donations” and maybe wink and say it three more times. This phrase usually works because although it may be funny, it is also serious. We’re conniving little shits and we all know it. Tell them about all the late nights you have spent in Cooper Library and why you need that $50 Starbucks gift card!
When you give your goodbyes, try not to seem too excited. And, if by the end of their pop-up visit your family has any clue that you’re an alcoholic and that you don’t have your shit together and gives you a long lecture, then you clearly didn’t follow our steps!