Dabo Swinney Seen Parading Around Clemson Dangling “Severed” Buckeye Nuts
CLEMSON — Reports surfaced Wednesday morning of Coach Dabo Swinney parading around various Clemson facilities with a pair of buckeyes dangling from a string.
“It was his shoelace,” said Clemson defensive end Kaleb Bevelle. “I know that because he kept tripping when his left foot would fall out of his white New Balances.”
In what seems to be an attempt to pump up his team in anticipation for facing the Ohio State Buckeyes in the Fiesta Bowl this New Year’s Eve, Dabo is doing his best to keep his team focused despite the long break and finals.
Ray Ray McCloud, sophomore WR, noted Dabo finding him in Clements and plopping the nuts on his textbook. “He just stared at me, then down at the nuts, then back at me and said ‘Sever. The. Buckeyes.’ and left. It was weird, but got me so pumped. Like, he’s right, what a dumbass mascot. The buckeyes. We’re going to kick their ass. Coach is the best.”
“I came into his office to get some gametape on Ohio State,” started Brent Venables rubbing his cheek. “He asked if I wanted the ‘CDs or the Tapes’ – and I said the CDs, obviously, and he just screamed ‘SEE DEEZ NUTS’ and slapped me in the face with those buckeyes on a string. Those things are hard man! Also, I think he had dipped them in ketchup to make them look bloody?” Coach Venables looked into the distance.
“Anyway, he gave me the actual films after I asked instead for the tapes, to which he replied ‘I’LL TAPE THESE NUTS TO YO’ HEAD’ and actually taped the nuts to my forehead, where he insisted they stayed until he fetched the actual gametape. But that’s what I love about Dabo — it’s such a visceral, visual metaphor and I know he’ll go above and beyond to get a pair to everyone, I saw the open cardboard box full of thousands of buckeye nuts in his office.”
Though the Tigers have a few weeks until we face off against the Buckeyes, we can rest assured that Dabo will have his team focused, and ready to cut the Buckeyes loose from the CFP.
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