The 7 Stages of Ain’t Patty’s Day

author-pic at Clemson University  

Ain’t Patty’s Day, Clemson’s annual spring bar crawl, was this past Saturday. Drunken bathroom friendships were formed, cheap-ass drinks were bought, and plenty of bad decisions were made on this holy day. In case you missed it, here is the play by play:

Part 1 — Shirts:

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You can’t get in the mood for Ain’t Patty’s Day without ordering an event t-shirt! The anticipation of waiting for it to come got us hyped for a day full of drinking; with this garb we would undeniably fit in with the rest of the bar crawl attendees… even if the shirt was from last year. 

Part 2 — Pre-Gaming (with Food): 

food

It’s a novice, nay, idiotic move not to set aside some time to eat before the bar crawl. You gotta get your body ready for the day by eating a big meal before heading downtown. Seriously, drinking starts at noon, so if you don’t eat you may as well count yourself out for the night by 4:00 PM. We went with greasy foods for maximum drinking efficiency.

Part 3 — The First Bar:

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i.e. Overcrowded and overwhelming. At this point in the day we weren’t even tipsy enough to enjoy the mediocrity that was this holiday. There were too many people in too small a space spilling their drinks and losing their dignities. Was it even worth it to leave the house?

Part 4 — The Second Bar:

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Okay, we were starting to feel it by now. Five dollar personal pitchers? Say no more. We heard three different people say, “Can I have one more Slutty Shirley Temple? I tripped and dropped my other one,” while we stood in line for our drinks.

Part 5 — The Thourth, Fiveth, and Sixenth Bars:

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An unmeasurable amount of alcohol was consumed during this period of time.

Part 6 — The Last Bar:

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“Scuse me, sorry, we need to get to the bar to order another round of Irish Car bombs,” was the last thing said before a projectile vomiting session cleared out TTT’s. Guys were posted up on walls looking for last minute DTF’s to take home.

Part 7 — PTFO:

We walked home happily buzzed after a drunken meal at Todaro’s but exhausted from the day’s work. And that’s the last we can remember from Ain’t Patty’s Day 2017.