Top 10: Non-Academic Reasons You’re Not Going to Graduate Clemson

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Most of us come to Clemson for four years and wish it would last four more. Some dummies actually manage to string it out to 8, and not because they failed all their classes. No, there are plenty of other reasons why Clemson might hang onto your diploma, and you’re all at risk of this happening every day.

10.) You Went a Little Overboard Celebrating the National Championship:
Two words: NATIONAL CHAMPS! Our football team competes every year for the ACC title and a college football playoff berth. With our awesome coach who somehow managed to make the name Dabo cool, celebrating Clemson win after Clemson win during the fall for four years left you drunk and naked downtown. Whoops! That inevitable drinking and/or public indecency ticket could very well hold you back a year.

9.) You Didn’t Return a Library Book:
You checked out a book, once, freshman year for a research project on the history of the human existence for your Human Evolution research project. Unfortunately, you lost it your freshman year in your Holmes Hall trash pit, and threw it out along with crumpled 1001 syllabi and empty bottles of Svedka that sat under your bottom bunk all semester. That book is never making it back to the shelves of Cooper, and you won’t be walking across the graduation stage because of it.

8.) You Haven’t Closed Your Tab at TD’s Yet:
Two whiskey sours, a vodka cranberry, and a Pabst Blue Ribbon still await the swipe of your debit card, and you’re not leaving campus until it happens. Due to all the unpaid tabs that accumulate at TD’s from drunk delinquents walking out without closing out, TD’s has requested that Clemson add “Close out any remaining tabs at TD’s,” to the graduation requirements for all schools.

7.) You Didn’t Pay All Your Tuition:
There is $335 in your account, and instead of paying it off, you bought Bonnaroo tickets. You can’t graduate until the remaining portion is paid, but at least you’ll have the sweatiest, dirtiest, most weed-filled weekend of your summer.

6.) You Decided to Live at the Tailgate:
Unlike most of the rest of the shitty schools in the ACC and Carolina, our stadium is on campus. Odds are you’re close to your apartment/dorm so you can get as wasted as you want and make it back no problem. Also the food is amazing and the people are super nice, so it’s no wonder why you wouldn’t want to leave the tailgate, ever. In three years you’ll be 28, taking 3 credits, and hanging out with 18 year olds outside your RV permanently parked outside Death Valley. Livin’ the dream, man, L-I-V-I-N.

5.) You Had Sex on the Thomas Green Clemson Statue:
It’s an age-old superstition here at Clemson that if you bang someone over the lap of ol’ Tommy Clemson, preferably while looking into his cold dead eyes, you’re not going to graduate on time. Sorry buddy! Should’ve thought of that before you went and did the dirty.

4.) You Fratted Too Hard:
Cubicles and 401Ks? Who needs that when you can have a CEOs and Office Hoes party every weekend? Screw graduating. College is all about brotherhood, drinking shitty beer, and making pledges do stupid stuff… until that pledge sues yo’ ass. Looks like you’ll be spending the next few years in Clemson Jail instead of that stuffy old office!

3.) You Got Stuck Abroad:
Clemson has a top-notch study abroad program, and you decided one semester wasn’t enough. You skipped your flight home and traveled around until your parents finally cut you off. Now you’re stuck in BUFU Egypt while your classmates grab their diplomas and move on. At least you’re cultured?

2.) You Spent Too Many Days at the Lake:
There’s nothing better than a day of drinking and boating on Lake Hartwell. Would you rather sit through a lecture about French colonialism for go wakeboarding? “Wakeboarding, obviously,” you said to yourself everyday in April this year. Now that French exam is on the horizon and the only French you know f***.

1.) Parking Services Finally Arrested You:
Parking services has already begun their takeover of the school. Eventually it will be a federal crime for students to park within 100 miles of the school. Don’t say nobody didn’t try to warn you. Good luck graduating when you’re stuck in some top-secret parking services prison that totally exists.

If you’re a senior then you’re almost there! Just a couple more finals to fail and parking spots to die in! Hopefully you make it to graduation day, and shake Dr. Clements hand for the final time.

Tomorrow’s 420, do you call it “weed” or “pot”? Our editors argue which is worse on our podcast!