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A More-Transparent Alt-Right Poster to Hang Outside Fike

We’re giving the benefit of the doubt to the saddest group on campus, assuming they posted these in a last-ditch effort to find friends who are just as lonely and probably inbred as them. Who doesn’t want to surround themselves with people who think, look, and act the same way as themselves? When you want to be surrounded by people as shitty as you, it’s pretty hard to find friends. There’s no more comforting way to exist as a lonely basement-dwellers, so we went ahead and decoded their poster for them in order for others to see what this group is really looking for. Now known as the Racist Lonely Virgins Club, here is a better flyer to post around campus. 

ATTENTION:

LONELY RACISTS IN DESPERATE NEED OF ATTENTION AND/OR HUMAN TOUCH

ARE YOU?

– TIRED OF WASTING PAPER IN YOUR ATTEMPTS TO RECRUIT PEOPLE TO THE KLAN?

– WONDERING WHY YOUR PEEN HASN’T BEEN RUBBED… EVER?

– REALIZING DIVERSITY STRIKES AN ANGER IN YOU THAT ISN’T CONSIDERED NORMAL BY CHILD PSYCHOLOGISTS?

– TIRED OF BEING CALLED RACIST EVEN THOUGH YOU TOTALLY FUCKING ARE?

– WANT TO PRESERVE YOUR HERITAGE DESPITE LITERALLY THE WAY HISTORY IS TAUGHT, BEING SURROUNDED BY STATUES HONORING IT, AND THE HUNDREDS OF NATIONAL HOLIDAYS?

– DO YOU SEE A FUTURE IN WHICH YOU’RE COLD AND ALONE WITH ONLY A BOTTLE OF JERGENS AND A RIPPED UP “BUSH REAGAN ‘84” TEE TO YOUR NAME?

– LOVE FINDING WAYS TO DEFEND THE CURRENT PRESIDENT THAT DON’T REALLY MAKE ANY SENSE?

JOIN THE RLVC:

WHITEVIRGINS.ORG

DON’TKNOWWHATTODOWITHDADDYSMONEY.COM

LETSJUSTKEEPSAYINGOBAMAISBAD.BIZ

WHATDOESBEINGTOUCHEDBYANOTHERHUMANFEELLIKE.COM

 

Want to join a different staff of virgins who aren’t racist? Join our writing staff!

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