The first thing many people say when they’re about to start college is, “I can’t wait to see all the college boys!” Because apparently, our education doesn’t matter nearly as much if we’re SINGLE. But watch out: the boys at Clemson are all SUPER different. (Could you detect the sarcasm in that sentence?) Here are the 5 categories every dude on this campus falls into, whether they like it or not.
5.) Engineering Bros:
These guys don’t even have any sort of clothing to distinguish them, but rather they just straight up tell you that they’re an engineering student. Alot. Sometimes they’re very explicit about it; for example, you’ll hear one of them say, “Why the f*ck did I choose engineering as my major?” Other times it’s less direct, but still obvious. They’ll most likely complain to you about how they pulled an all nighter in Cooper Library, or how they hate their physics professor and bullshit everything in that class but are surprisingly still passing. Because of course, if you tell a girl you don’t have an F, she’ll want to suck the D. Right? It’s science.
4.) Water Jug Bros:
How much water can a person drink? Perhaps they don’t even go to class because all of their time is spent in the bathroom? These guys are usually wearing Adidas sweatpants and a sweatshirt with another college’s logo on it. You can catch them at Fike sitting on the sidelines watching intramural basketball, or just walking around campus constantly looking at their FitBit and wearing their Beats by Dre. It says, “I exercise and have money, but President Clements doesn’t want it to look like I’m in the same category as Deshaun Watson.”
3.) Hoverboard Bros:
THESE are the guys President Clements wants to claim as his own. These guys will get everything they want just by running up and down a field to make our university known to people who don’t only live in rural areas. Most of the time you’ll know that these guys are the real deal because not only will they be “hovering” around campus, but they’ll also be wearing everything orange imaginable. Backpacks, pants, shirts, sweatshirts, shoes, socks, hats, capes, underwear, diapers, you name it. It’s a way to let people know that the university thinks you’re so important that the only steps you take must be within the confines of Death Valley.
2.) Frat Bros:
These guys are walking Tinder profiles with a constant look on their faces that says, “U got Kik?” If you’re crossing Library Bridge chances are they’ll be there with their frat and a table collecting money for some children’s charity. Except the name of the charity will be way smaller than the Greek letters on the poster. On Friday and Saturday nights you’ll find them at some poor dude’s house showing more affection to a keg than they ever will with women. Not to say it’s a bad thing to have fun; just don’t hurl insults at every girl who rejects you to protect the ego you hide behind your bow tie.
1.) WSBF Bros:If a guy is wearing all black, he’s most likely part of the University’s radio station. These boys look like they’re always at a Mac DeMarco concert. They seem to flock together, their eyes saying, “I will give my first-born child to the devil for every member of Tame Impala to spit on my second-born child.” Every Instagram photo they post includes an ironically colorful filter and a quote from their favorite song by The Front Bottoms. Be on the lookout for a Facebook invite to their next party, happening in one of the DJs’ basements.
If any of these guys are your type, good for you! But be careful; they may talk about themselves so much that they’ll forget to breathe. In that case, have your lawyer ready and be prepared for the boy to come back from the dead just to complain about how you wouldn’t have sex with him.