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5 Things Columbia College Freshmen Will Never Know

Back to school for Columbia students means goodbyes to summer, free time, and family and a first-time welcome into a world of wonder and knowledge. 

Just kidding—they’re in for a good old fashioned shit sandwich with a side of go-f**k-yourself. There’s always something different each year coming back to Columbia, and there’s a few things this year’s freshmen class will never experience:

1.) That Groaty Harold’s Chicken:

Gentrification, am I right ladies? These soft-ass freshmen will never know what it was like to eat at a Harold’s with a neon sign. No longer will hungry fashion students have to debase themselves and their immaculate thrift-shop duds in a ratchet-ass Harold’s. No longer will graphic design students have to eat at a restaurant with no aesthetic. And yet, Columbia Freshman will still have to deal with the grossest part of the Harold’s experience: that nasty piece of white bread, extra gluten please.

2.) The Asshole Who Stands Outside Peet’s Coffee:

What’s his name, Nick? Romano? What’s he doing at Peet’s all the time? Is he homeless or does he just hang out there? Does he hang outside of other coffee shops? If he does, does Peet’s get jealous? How does he have an iPhone if he’s homeless? Why is there an outlet just there on the sidewalk? Why does he add students on Facebook? Isn’t he a Columbia grad? Do we all end up like him? My god, is he a mirror looking back at us reflecting our own insecurities? All questions Columbia freshmen will never have to ask themselves.

3.) Reasonable Politics:

“Radical” isn’t just a saying on your ironic TMNT shirt you got sophomore year anymore — it’s also the only mode of politics you’re gonna see around campus. Not “radical” in the way mullet-clad ‘80s bros surfing the sickest wave is, though, but radical in the way where you shave your head, get a tattoo that says “Fuck Trump” and share a post about Resist-Bot over Facebook. “Radical” in the way where you act like listening to Beyoncé is an act of social upheaval, but you’re still afraid to take the bus south of Roosevelt because your mom said to stay safe. “Radical” in the way where instead of doing something productive like organizing a community food drive or researching and volunteering for candidates you support, you write a one-act play about space aliens that want to give humanity the gift of eternal life but they can’t get to America because Trump ended the DACA. “Radical” in, you know, the stupid way.

4.) Mark Kelly:

You know how at the end of Rouge One: A Star Wars Story the rebels are on a ship and there’s a massive space-battle going on outside? And despite all the chaos and bloodshed, Princess Leia stays calm and collected, speaking only of “hope”? That was Mark Kelly, a man who saw the mountains of bullshit burying the school he worked at and yet was able to rise above to encourage the masses with a thunderous “Hell yeah.” He’s gone now. Freshmen don’t get that.

5.) Happiness:
Buckle up, kiddos. You’re in art school now.

 

Here’s something to remember! 

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