Let’s be clear: if you’re going to a Columbia Halloween costume party, you’re not going to be having a fun time unless your idea of fun is drinking a $6 bag of wine, listening to ukulele covers of “Sunday Candy” and going home at midnight because you’re tired. No, the only reason to show up to a Columbia Halloween party is to flex how much more creative you are than all your peers with your sweet, ironic costume. If that sort of miserable mindset sounds like you, become a flex master supreme with these costume ideas:
5.) Ghost Malone:
A few years ago, Post Malone may have been a fun, subversive costume, but nowadays, he’s just another member of the musical bourgeois. But! Turn this tired trope delightfully quaint with the addition of a bedsheet with a few holes in it. Accompany it with a grunge/country/hip-hop/R&B cover of the “Charlie Brown” song and you’re set.
*For an alternative Post Malone costume, try: Pre-Malone, Postmodern Malone, General Mills Malone, Watermalone, Colin Jost Malone, Femalone, Post-Op Malone, or Washington Post Malone.
4.) A Columbia student going as Josh Moore:
After the legendary party last year where every single student showed up dressed as resident homeless man Josh Moore, cosplaying as everyone’s favorite coffee shop vagrant has become passé. For a work around, go as some schmuck of a Columbia student going as Josh Moore. When you roll up to the joint, the whole party will be shocked at your clever costume. “How meta!” cries the girl dressed as “Inter-sex-ionality.” In the distance, a Rick and Morty fanboy/film major experiences an emotion for the first time. This is the power of going as a Columbia-student-dressed-going-as-Josh-Moore.
3.) An unpaid arts internship:
Paid with exposure. Every Columbia student knows the feeling of seeing an internship on Handshake listed as paid, only to realize three weeks in that you’re not getting shit. But you’ll be the freshest homie at the party when you’re able to brag about your internship to all your friends who have lives. This costume consists of a poorly fitting button down, bags under your eyes, and a crushed spirit. For completion, make sure you leave the party around 11 p.m. because “you have to get up early for your internship tomorrow.”
2.) A grocery store security officer:
Fun fact: 98% of “Fuck Cops” patches at Columbia are directed at these cops in particular. Every Columbia student’s natural predator is the officer trying to stop them from shoplifting at the Whole Foods. Strike natural non-GMO fear into the eyes of fellow partygoers with this costume. For bonus points, see if you can shoplift an actual Whole Foods security uniform next time you’re stocking up on illicit bulk nuts.
1.) The Chicago Marathon:
Nothing is more terrifying than seeing this CTA notification: “Buses have been rerouted due to the Chicago Marathon.” How will you get to class on time? Even if you’re the type of Columbia student who’s afraid to take the bus (you know who you are), the trains are a walking nightmare when the Marathon rolls through. The specifics of this costume are up to you, but for extra authenticity, gather half a million people to do the costume with you. After all, if you get that many people to show up, maybe Columbia would have a Halloween party that’s worth going to.
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