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7 Nonsexual Ways Columbia College Turns You On

Single and tired of lowering your standards? Don’t fret, fellow Columbian. This cuffing season may be flooding your Instagram feed, but there is plenty to tickle your tooshie on campus. Here’s 7 nonsexual things that make you feel good at Columbia:

7.) Getting high in Grant Park:
Grant Park is a hub and ‘the cut’ when it comes to tokin’ up. Not only is it a beautiful space with great smoking spots, the easy access from campus grants you plenty of opportunity to get high before class. You’re lucky if you come across some fellow stoners who want to match, but beware of the bike-ops who patrol the area. They’re enough to ruin any arousing feelings. A good tip: Lowering the bowl behind your back and pretending like you’re “just chillin” can be enough to keep them riding.

6.) The Beavers Donut truck:
Smell that? Move over, Teen Spirit. This truck attracts more Columbia students than a friend’s improv show. The woodsy-cartoon decor assures you that these dainty donuts originated from thick, thoughtful hands of a lumberjack up north. After your break in the park or before a long class, treat yourself to a box of crunchy circles of cinnamon. No need to walk over two blocks for the cheaper deal at Dunkin’—you’re a hip intellectual.

5.) Security guards who ‘Gotchu’:
The OG. They’ve seen you around and know you’re no threat. Instead of requesting to see your ID, a simple head nod and wink sends you through. This gift of graciousness is the créme de la créme when running late to class. You better start saying good morning before they “don’t recognize you” anymore!

4.) Teachers you want to be friends with:
Organized, passionate and a pleasure to listen to for three hours, this teacher keeps it interesting with humor and good stories. It’s an easy A, as long as you show up and take notes. You always make eye contact, you’d be open to pop a few brews if they were down, you’ve most likely said “thank you” to them after class, and did your best to not half-ass their few assignments. But let’s face it: you sometimes take their kindness for granted, strolling in five minutes late high and/or with a coffee.

3.) Computer glitches that end class early:
“This is just one of those things with this thing,” your teacher mutters, pressing random buttons, hoping something will stick. With all the equipment Columbia has to offer, this is bound to happen once a semester. Usually it’s incredibly simple: a volume problem, frozen program or missing dongle. Any student could offer to help, but we leave the teacher to fend for themselves, hoping to further stall or cancel class. One student leaves to get a snack, another shouts from the back, “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” After several curses of frustration, clicking and endless staring at a blank screen, your teacher finally says, “Sorry about this guys, we’re gonna have to do it next class.”

2.) Extra cash on your Columbia Card:
When you’re in a rush to print, having enough money on your Columbia Card is a blessing. No need to dip into your pathetic bank account, you can go straight to the printer. “Thanks, past me,” you think to yourself while swiping your card. It especially comes in handy for the useless vending machines in 1104 that don’t accept credit cards.

1.) Non-threatening blob furniture in lounge areas:
Forget the four-legged chairs which society forces us sit in each day! When it’s time to unwind, lay back on the non-conforming love seats. You might recognize these bean-bag lookalikes from a Nickelodeon Resort, or just one at an after-school care. Here at Columbia, they make business meetings feel like hanging out in your mom’s basement. Beware the need to scoot in your chair, though, they’re hard to move.

 

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