Booze Review: Grey Goose Vodka

author-pic at Columbia College Chicago  

So you’re finally making some decent dough from your summer job, unless you were unfortunate enough to get roped into a scam like a pyramid scheme or an unpaid internship. Do you do something smart with your money like buying up some treasury bonds or paying off your student loans? Hell no! You’re a gosh-darn millennial who blows their money on stupid stuff like avocado toast and overpriced Grey Goose vodka.

Grade: B-

Smells Like:

Fermented goose piss.

Tastes Like:

Fiscal irresponsibility that will likely result in you having to take out a third mortgage in the future.

Typical Drinkers:

– People who refer to a flock of geese as “gooses” or “goosen.”

– Trust fund babies who have terrible taste in alcoholic beverages.

– Hobbyists who are trying to spice up their birdwatching excursions.

– College students who are dumb enough to pay money to get into “prestigious” honor societies.

– Guys who buy fake Rolexs in bulk.

User Comments:

– “This crap was $35?! I could’ve gotten a few handles of Taaka for the same price and I wouldn’t have hated myself any more than I already do.”

– “Dude this stuff is the real deal, I’m pretty sure Jay-Z drinks it, so you know it’s got to be good.”

– “Wait, so do they, like, use real goose in this? That’s totally messed up; I’m getting PETA on the phone ASAP.”

– “My mom always said I was the ugly duckling of the family, but nah, I’m the freaking grey goose!”

Best Described as a Drink Superior To:

Wasting your money on an even more expensive bottle of tasteless vodka.

Will This Get Me Laid?:

If you’re banking on nice booze to hookup with someone, you probably have a plethora of other things to work on in terms of attracting sexual partners.

How Do I Get The Most Bang For My Buck With This?:

After you finish your fifth of Grey Goose you can fill the bottle with any other kind of vodka and your friends will be none the wiser since all vodka sucks pretty much equally.

We Mixed it With:

A scratch-off ticket and a cigarillo from the Circle K down the block.