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Columbia Student Actually Saves $0 After Moving Off Campus

After two years of living on campus, Columbia junior Connor Frazier decided to finally get his own place to save money and gain a sense of independence, though quickly found himself spending even more money than the year prior, blowing it all on Uber, Lyft, and food.

Frazier fell victim to the first semester optimism that plagues many Columbia students, falsely assuming he would be able to manage such a long commute while losing sight of what a lazy piece of garbage he is.

“I was pretty stoked to be saving that much more money per month no longer being in the dorms,” commented Frazier. “But then I realized how fucking inconvenient this actually is.”

Initially, Frazier was optimistic when searching for apartments, failing to take into consideration how painful the commute would be living an hour away from the South Loop. He was confronted with reality when he moved into his new place in July.

“My landlord definitely lied to me about how ‘easy’ it was to walk to the train,” Frazier said. “It’s a 20 minute walk, plus two different bus routes. I didn’t even think to route it out myself on Google Maps before signing the lease. Feeling pretty dumb right now.” 

In an aim to make the best of the situation, Connor bought a bike in order to minimize the length of the commute. Yet, his efforts were far too naive, and he failed to use the bike more than twice.

“The bike idea seemed smart at first, but then I blew $300 on a brand new bike and, oh yeah, I forgot that I fucking hate biking,” Frazier whined.

Connor admitted that because of his laziness, he often resorts to using Lyft and Uber to commute to class.

“It’s bad, I’ve already dropped close to $200 on Uber just this week. But do I really want to take the train and then two bus routes? No. Does anyone truly know how the CTA buses work?”

Connor went on to explain how he had been looking forward to moving off-campus so he wouldn’t have to pay for the expensive meal plan any longer, though failed to take into account the amount he’s now spending on restaurants.

“Do you know how shitty it feels to admit that most of my meals are at Jimmy John’s and Devil Dawgs?” Frazier asked. “I thought cooking for myself would be a breeze, but no, I’m too damn hungry by the end of the day to wait until I get home to eat. Now I’m practically begging my friends for their leftovers from the dining hall.” 

Frazier has made several desperate attempts to weasel his way back into the dorms, which have all failed. He hopes that a room will free up next semester.

It was last reported that Frazier has spent the past three nights at a friend’s dorm for convenience purposes.

“It’s a good thing most of my friends still live on campus or close by,” Frazier said. “I guess I’ll just have to bum it at their dorms on week nights.”


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