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Male Comedy Major Poses as Feminist to Get Laid

Columbia freshman Mary Newville was found alone in the library on Wednesday, heartbroken over the realization that Columbia comedy major and improv boy, Steven Kelly, whom she was crushing on hard, had only actually performed as a feminist to get laid.

“I didn’t even realize he knew I was in the audience,” Newville said, who reportedly is recovering well thanks to a large cup of tea and The Velvet Underground records playing on repeat in her dorm room.

“I’m in shock,” said Kristen Diaz, a junior comedy major who’s friends with Newville. “I can’t believe another improv boy has used his platform to pick up chicks. It’s just disgusting.”

Newville and Diaz have been involved in the comedy community since they started at Columbia College Chicago. They attend improv shows weekly and say they have seen boy after boy use their improv skills to flex on girls.

“I thought Steven was different,” Newville said . “He told me about the time he bought his sister tampons and said Elaine is his favorite Seinfeld character. I thought I had found my male feminist soul mate.”

Texts recovered from the perpetrator revealed to Mary a different side of Kelly:

Newville and the boy had only met one week earlier at his improv show on campus. She reportedly took a liking to Kelly, as he did a completely improvised set about a boy being raised within a matriarchy (that was not the only scene with a feminist agenda).

“We all really did believe him,” Diaz said. “She was so excited to finally meet a man who shared her passion for the improvised word and for feminism.”

The scene in question featured Kelly in the midst of a discussion with a group of “frat brothers,” all played by fellow improvisors. In the scene, the “frat brothers” wanted to throw a “Hunt or Be Hunted”-themed party where all the females came dressed as an animal for the frat brothers to hunt down.

Kelly’s character stopped the other frat brothers from continuing, pointing out that it objectified the women and would make them uncomfortable, and instead suggested they turn it into a Rick and Morty-themed party.

“What really got me,” Newville said, “was that after the scene was swiped, I heard Steven whisper ‘That was messed up, dudes’ to the other improvisors and my heart just skipped a beat.”

Rumors have been buzzing around campus that this is not an isolated incident.

“Mary is my third friend this semester who has fallen into this trap,” Diaz said. “I feel so blessed that the guy I’ve been dating is a true feminist. He retweets Chelsea Handler all the time.”

When Kelly was reached out to, he simply replied with a lone le troll face.

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