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Fun Fall Recipe: Pumpkin Spice Cocaine

Don’t you just love the holidays? The scent of pumpkin spice and apples seems to waft through everywhere you go during the fall months. What could be better than the magical feeling of the holiday season, you may ask? One answer: cocaine. What if there were a way to combine both the joy of making candy apples and the euphoric high of snorting a good ‘ol line of coke? Well, now you can with pumpkin spice cocaine! This festive treat is sure to be a hit at any Halloween office party, family reunion, drug den get-together, baptism, funeral, etc. Requiring just a few simple ingredients, this is a Halloween classic that anyone can make. Enjoy!


Step 1:
Sprinkle about 2 pounds of cocaine out on the kitchen table. Or any table for that matter, who really cares? For a healthier alternative, get organic cocaine locally—cut and distributed in the whimsical Illinois countryside.

Step 2:
Grab a pumpkin (any size will do) and drop it from a relatively high distance (5 – 10 feet) onto the table. The pumpkin will smash into smithereens, right onto the cocaine, but make sure the coke stays on the table (that shit’s expensive). This helps to really incorporate the pumpkin flavor, and the actual act of smashing adds a spicy kick.

Step 3:
With your bare hands, mix together the pumpkin guts and the cocaine. Don’t be shy with this step—really get in there! You could even throw the pumpkin guts and cocaine around the kitchen, at the walls and such, in the drug-induced furor you’re probably in.

Step 4:
Once fully combined, put the mixture into a bowl and set aside. In a separate bowl, combine 1 cup of cinnamon, 1 cup of nutmeg, and 1 cup of ginger. Each ingredient is key to this recipe, especially to the cocaine. The cinnamon adds that bit of sweetness that would be lacking in the recipe otherwise. It’s the Nick Jonas of ingredients. Nutmeg enhances the cocaine-ness of the coke, and the ginger adds that “POW BANG FUCK SNAP” flavor, you know? Mix all three together for about 35 minutes.

Step 5:
Once everything’s mixed nice, pour the bowl of mixed spices into the bowl of pumpkin-infused cocaine. Stir for another 35 minutes. The time may seem superfluous, but it is 100% necessary in order for the cocaine to be spiced correctly.

Step 6:
Preheat your oven to about 5,000 degrees. Yes, you read that correctly. Bang a cookie sheet on your head several times to warm it up. Put the mixture onto the cookie sheet (with cooking spray, of course) and bake for 15 minutes. When it’s all done, grab a dollar bill or a rollable paper product of any kind.

Step 7:
What are you waiting for? Snort that bitch up! Happy Halloween!


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