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Report: Apparently Teachers Hate This F***ing Place Too

CHICAGO — In a move that literally nobody saw coming, the part-time faculty of Columbia College Chicago went on strike this week because, apparently, teachers hate this shit as much as students do.

The faculty allegedly went on strike to demand higher wages, more job security, and not, as it has been suggested, to demand “some sort of release from this goddamn hellhole,” according to several students who read something about it online.

When asked if the higher wages were to be used to buy the first ticket out of this city, a faculty spokesperson declined comment, though students were eager to comment on the strike.

“Frankly, I’m shocked,” said Willie Yucatan, a sophomore photography major. “I was under the impression I was a scrappy student standing up to the tyranny of my professors, who were just another member of the establishment. But now it turns out they threw their lives away at this place too? Suddenly I don’t feel so alone.”

Indeed, many students are confused why the faculty isn’t happy to waste their lives teaching “Foundations” and “For Non-Major” courses to a bunch of mouth-breathing cretins.

“I just don’t get it,” said Reed Johnson, a cinematography major. “Why don’t the faculty like it here? They get to form our precious young minds. I mean, teaching me is an opportunity I would never pass up, you know? They could be the person that teaches the next Kubrick, who is me in this scenario.”

The strike was strategically positioned to interrupt finals, placing students, teachers, and administration alike in a difficult position. Many students’ classes, which they were planning to skip, have been cancelled, robbing them of an important opportunity to assert their individuality and buck the system.

The strike has, however, been a rare moment of unity on the Columbia campus. In a year plagued by division, hatred, and violence on both sides, it warms the heart to see student and teacher joining together over the most wholesome and classically Columbia activity: cutting class. It’s a true Christmas miracle.

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