As St. Patty’s Day and spring break fall upon us, underage Columbia students are frantically searching for plugs to aid them in their quest to escape yet another dry holiday. But everyone deserves a holiday–even your liquor hookup! When the chance for alcohol is looking bleak, try out any of these options.
5.) Try your luck at 7/11:
Depending on the time of night, the right employee might be working. If so, go ahead and walk right up to that cash register. Make sure to be confident and make eye contact. Just hope that they don’t ask for your ID or this will result in a sad walk of shame to return that 6 pack of Angry Orchards back to the fridge.
4.) Leaving a jug of Minute Maid Grape Juice in your closet a few weeks in advance:
This one is real simple. Not a fan of beer? Try grape juice instead for a nice aged-wine! Not a fan of wine? Try cranberry juice for a refreshing cosmopolitan! Not a fan of cosmos? Don’t be so picky! You’re in college. Just make sure not to forget about it or it could attract more than just thirsty freshmen.
3.) Coercing your professor into drinking with you:
We all have that one professor that’s a little too chill to teach, so they’d probably be chill enough to drink with. Yeah, you’ll have to listen to them drone on about that one “award-winning” screenplay they wrote when they were 27, but for an ice cold Moscow Mule, you’d do just about anything. If they aren’t down to knock back a few with their favorite undergrad, then check their desk drawer — most Columbia faculty have a flask of Knob Creek on them at all times.
2.) Start licking that puddle of Purell in your palm:
You know when you squirt way too much hand sanitizer into your hands–what are you supposed to do with it? You could wipe it on your jeansl or you could take advantage of the situation and get blitzed off a couple ounces of Purell. Try picking up travel packs at your local convenience store for a quick and easy way buzz.
1.) Paying a homeless man:
When all else fails, turn to the streets. Sure, there’s a chance that he’ll pocket the money, but you’re desperate. So head on down to your local Red Line station or just wait around the back of a Starbucks. You’re bound to find plenty of homeless men and women who are more than willing to “support” local students.