Student Wellness Center Announces ‘Butthurt Awareness Month’

author-pic at Columbia College Chicago  

In an effort to fight an increasing epidemic on campus, the Student Wellness Center has designated October as “Butthurt Awareness Month.”

“There are always going to be a few cases of butthurt popping up in any community, but Columbia College Chicago in particular has had a radical spike in incidences in the past few months,” said Jenna Melvin, an employee of Columbia’s Wellness Center.

Butthurt, the act of being overly offended, sometimes for no apparent reason, comes in several levels of increasing intensity, from the mild “butt-flustered” moving on to the common “butthurt” and, in its late stages, progressing all the way to “butt-devastated.” At its more mild levels, symptoms include angry Facebook comments and angrily staring at your professor. More severe cases can lead to patients shaving their own heads or constructing Twitter threads.

“I am perpetually butthurt, and I am not sure why,” said Adrian Wang, a freshman journalism major, in response to the announcement. “I awake every morning with a burning in my booty that I carry with me through every waking hour. Is the reason for my suffering that someone made a passive aggressive comment towards me? Am I upset that someone pointed out a legitimate flaw in my thinking? I cannot be sure. Now that the school is bringing light to my plight, I may finally find peace.”

The Wellness Center hopes to spread awareness of both types of butthurt, as well as ways to avoid and fight it.

“The most important thing a patient can do to lessen the symptoms is turn off their computer and take a walk outside, maybe drink some Kombucha,” Melvin said. “If that fails, the Wellness Center also offers complimentary full-body condoms students are free to stick their heads in. These condoms are 99% effective at blocking the user from contracting any thought that doesn’t jive with their worldview.”

At a recent press conference, President Kwang-Wu Kim spoke on his support of the program.

“Columbia loses almost 70% of its students each year to the butthurt epidemic,” Kim said. “Butthurt over classes, butthurt over politics, butthurt over being called out for being butthurt. Enough is enough. We must stand united as one against this menace of a disease. Together, we can be the generation to end butthurt.”

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