5 Ways to Discreetly Gift Spider Eggs to Your Terrible Summer Boss

author-pic at Cornell  


Summer jobs are good for nobody. If you have one then your life sucks and you need to bus tables to afford your college lifestyle. So, while your friends are drunk at the beach or in a different country, here are the ways you can plan to gift your terrible summer boss some well-deserved spider eggs.

5.) An “I’m sorry for what I said” plant:

This is a perfect gift to apologize for calling your boss a “dumb dinosaur dick” under your breath when you thought he/she was out of earshot. Before handing out your gift, be sure to cram spider eggs into the soil and hope that they don’t toss that philodendron out the window while driving home.

4.) Invite them over for dinner:

Although allowing your shitty boss into your home isn’t ideal, the revenge will be worth one night of pretending that you aren’t always miserable. Just make sure you hide the current voodoo doll you’re wielding. During dinner, “accidentally” knock their drink onto their shirt so that you can offer to wash it. While taking the shirt out of the washer, quickly sew the spider eggs to the inside of the material and hand it back as a thank you for making you work late on Saturdays.

3.) Bake them cookies:

This gift is casual and innocent enough to not draw attention to your dark intentions. Place the cookies in a pretty wicker basket with a fake bottom, under which you can store the spider eggs. If you start to get cold feet, just remember the time your boss scheduled you for every day you said you couldn’t work. Got ‘em!

2.) Offer to do the coffee run:

This is perfect for someone who can lie without laughing. Offer to make a coffee run, but claim that you don’t have a car and ask your boss if you can borrow theirs. If they allow you to take their fancy two-seater (and they probably will!) remember to bring a handful of spider eggs and throw them in the glove compartment.

1.) The “I quit” gift:    

If none of the above actually work for you then say fuck it, buy your boss a cheap crown, and squish the spider eggs underneath its plastic jewels. When you deliver your gift remember to say something cool like, “Since you think you’re the king of Earth, suck on this!” or “Take this to ease your Napoleonic Complex, bitch”. Make sure you place the crown on their head before quitting and walking away as if you won’t regret this decision the moment your next phone bill is due.

Next time you’re out of your mind working a double, hatch a concrete plan on how to exact revenge on your shitty summer boss. If you feel any remorse, just remember that your boss is the reason you can’t get sloshed with your best friend behind the local K-Mart.

Listen to our podcast!