6 Awkward Places to Hang your Hammock on Cornell’s Campus

author-pic at Cornell  

It’s been a long time coming, but spring is finally here! People in hammocks litter the Arts Quad like alcoholics at a wine tasting and before you know it, you’re standing there awkwardly holding a hammock, with nowhere to hang it. So here are some completely wonderful alternatives that have the added advantage of making other people deeply uncomfortable.

6.) Sling it up between two sets of people:

What could be more convenient than getting people to hold your hammock while you take a little snooze? What could feel more like a power trip? Get yourself some palanquin bearers and start living it up like an Indian Maharaja today! If you don’t have friends who are willing to carry your weight for ages with absolutely no incentive to do so, do you really have any friends?

 

5.) Between the posts of a TCAT stop:

Waiting for the bus is so dreary and uncomfortable. The bus is so often late and one often finds oneself sitting awkwardly at the bus stop with nothing to do. The solution? Spread your hammock out on the bench of the TCAT stop and take a breather, hobo-style. Wrap a water bottle up in a paper bag and creep out other commuters by swigging from it and leering lewdly at them.

4.) Across the suspension bridge:

Want to piss everyone off by blocking the path? This is the way to go! Pretend to be fast asleep and watch through half open eyes as they struggle to step over, or crawl under your hammock. It’s entirely possible that a particularly pissed-off person may tip you out of your hammock in order to get past, but think about all the money you could make by suing them for assault.

3.) The elevator in the Uris Stacks:

Lull yourself to sleep with the gentle purring of the elevator’s motors. You could also pretend to be an elevator man and get a few tips while you’re at it. When has a college student ever said no to easy money? This rickety, questionable, ancient elevator is completely safe, it definitely won’t send you plummeting to a premature and grisly death.

2.) The shower stall:

Take a book, curl up in your hammock with a drink and gaze awkwardly into the eyes of anyone who comes in. Listen to the charming melodies of water in clogged sinks and really loud flushes. We guarantee your hallmates will have you pinned down as a lunatic in no time at all. The great advantage of this is that if you really need to go, the toilet is merely seconds away.

1.) Your bed:

 “Why do you have a hammock on your bed?” your visitor asks, looking at you like you’ve lost more of the already very small number of brain cells you had. “Why not?” you reply, trying to sound like a smartass but not feeling like one because honestly, you haven’t the foggiest idea why. Do this at your own risk, however, because Cornell will figure out some way to argue that the arrangement violates the fire code, just so they can fine you.

Voilà. 6 lovely new places for you to put your hammock when you’re out of trees. Who even thought of hammocks to trees? Trees are for people with no imagination.