6 Excuses to Use When Your Mom Asks Why You Aren’t Dating Anyone
The summer break arrives with sweaty armpit stains, melting ice-cream, third-degree sunburns, and reuniting with the one person who watched you be a steady loser throughout high school: your mother. She’ll ask a bunch of questions such as, “What are you doing with your life?” or “Are you going to turn out to be a disappointment?” But most importantly she’ll ask, “Are you dating anyone?” In the event you’re asked this dreaded question, here’s how to reply to someone who is probably worried that you’ll die alone.
6.) “My money goes to buying clothes for my future cats:
You won’t be surprised that your boo will expect a present for their birthday. It’s just that your future cats, Pancake and Waffles, will absolutely need matching turtleneck sweaters eventually. If you spend it on some random S.O. then that’s money down the drain. Use this reason to explain to your mom that you are being fiscally responsible by not adding on the cost of a relationship.
5.) “The people I’m interested in don’t appreciate my ability to steal memes from the Internet”:
Anyone that is “in with the times” knows that the quickest way to someone’s heart is your ability to find a dank meme on Facebook, screenshot it, and send it to your person of interest. This modern day mating call is well received if your crush replies “lol that’s funny” (which loosely translates to “send nudes”). Let your mom know that everyone you’re interested in doesn’t text back, so you hate them.
4.) “I’m already mentally dating several different celebrities and I don’t want to wreck what we have”:
Tell your mom that the reason you’re not in a relationship is because you have a really good thing going with that one person from Shameless, you just can’t remember their name, or confirm that this is a healthy delusion. Either way, you can’t imagine wrecking that one-sided relationship over a real person. This way assures that no one gets hurt, unless they unplug the TV.
3.) “I was about to date someone, but then I realized they wouldn’t look good on camera when my reality TV show finally airs.”:
Looks are everything, and if your potential soulmate doesn’t look A-1 in the lens then you have to kick them to the curb. This is for the protection of their feelings and your self-esteem. It isn’t personal; it’s just a precaution for when your vlogs on Youtube finally blow up. Use this to also let your mom know that you are thinking ahead and do have a realistic plan for the future. People someday will pay big money to watch seven minute videos of you walking around Target, and that’s totally worth being a lonely loser.
2.) “I don’t want to add an anniversary to my Instagram bio.”:
In today’s society this is a valid concern. Instagram bios are the first impression your followers get when viewing your profile, and if they see something as basic as a date then they may get the idea that your Starbucks pictures will be just like everyone else’s. Not only that, but it took FOREVER to pick out the perfect Emojis to represent who you are as a person, and if a date is taking up character spaces then you may as well not even have a fucking bio.
1.) “I already started rewatching season six of The Office and I don’t want to wait for someone to catch up to me.”:
The basis of a happy, loving relationship is your ability to binge-watch TV shows for hours on end, and if you already started all of the good ones why would you wait for someone to catch up to you? This can be the most important reason to why you are not dating anyone. Everyone knows that one date equals at least four episodes of The Office, and that’s NOT a price you’re willing to pay.
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