Every Cornellian knows that when you’re having a mental break, the place to go to is never Gannett (Cornell Health but we refuse to use the new name). Sure, they can fit you in in a few months but you’re freaking out now goddamn it! Instead of trying to schedule your breakdowns around the non-existent availabilities in the CAPS schedule, try seeking help at these places instead:
6.) The Therapy Hour at Hideaway:
It’s got therapy in the name which means it has to be good for you, right? Plus the drinks are cheap and everyone knows that getting a good deal is the hallmark of being a well-adjusted, mentally stable adult. Just ignore the fact that it’s on a Thursday…
5.) Office hours:
Cut out the middleman and take your breakdown directly to your professor. They won’t be able to say no to your rational, well-argued explanation of why you shouldn’t have to take the upcoming prelim, and if that fails, sob on their floor and refuse to leave until they agree.
4.) Cascadilla Gorge:
The gorge is alive with the sound of screaming. Go hike all the way into the part of the gorge by the engineering quad and scream as loudly as you can to let off some steam. Tip: if you go with a group of friends make sure you’re all screaming so if people come running they’ll think you’re all the victim.
3.) Any friend who will listen:
Grab any friend who you haven’t driven away with your problems and open up in ways they didn’t ask for. Pour out your heart and soul and tell them all your problems until their eyes glaze over and their brain turns into mush.
2.) A Cashier at the 7-Eleven:
When you inevitably scare off your one remaining friend, turn to the cashier at the 7-Eleven. They’ve always been there for you when you needed your 10 p.m. slushie.They can’t leave. They need their paycheck. Take advantage of that powerful knowledge.
1.) Under your bed:
When things get to be too much, retreat to the safety of the dark, dusty space beneath your bed. Weep softly to yourself as you curl up in the fetal position and refuse to come out when your roommate tells you that they’re worried about you. The bedbugs are your friends now.
Thanks to the administration, Cornell has been robbed of an efficient, functional mental health system but that doesn’t mean we can’t make our own. Who needs a licensed therapist when you and your friends have a bottle of vodka?
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